America, I'm sure you're all just about as sick and tired as I am with pretending that we care about the "other holidays". You know which ones I mean: Chawnukah. Quwanza. Ramadamndingdong. There was a time, America, when we wouldn't have had to even acknowledge these strange, sick holidays.
These days, though, because of things like the liberal media and Janet Jackson's breast, it's a different world. A guy like me can't even celebrate Christmas anymore without being made to feel like some kind of terrorist! That's right, America: the bleeding-hearts pretend to hate talking about terrorism, but then they go and create their own terrorists! Talk about hypocrisy.
But it's not all bad news. In fact, I'm here to deliver you some excellent news. George W. Bush, Time's Man Of The Year 2004 because he never, ever changes his mind about anything for any reason, has gotten re-elected, probably due to my recent expose on John Kerry being related to Osama bin Laden. And because George W. Bush is our President again, Christmas has prevailed over the other holidays. They are no more.
How can I say this? It's simple: I'm confident that President Bush, being an honorable Christian man, will ban the other holidays. And gosh darn it, it's about time.
Let me spell it out for you, America. Remember a little day called SEPTEMBER 11th 2001 E PLURIBUS UNIM WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE LIBERTY AND AMERICA? You sure do. And do you remember why September 11th happened? If you said "Because insane sand monkeys were celebrating crazy holidays that aren't Christmas that tell them to kill America," you win! That's right: if they had only been forced to celebrate Christmas, they never would've flown the planes into our buildings, because they would've known that Santa, not taking kindly to planes flying into buildings, would leave them coal. This is why there is no crime in America except for crime committed by people who don't believe in Christmas/Jesus: because Santa not giving you presents is an excellent deterrent for crime.
"But Frank, I thought that diversity is good!" This is a common psychological trick pulled by liberals to try and convince you to allow happy crappy hippie stuff to go on, but if you're smart, you won't fall for it. Does listening to crazy people banging on drums and singing about Elvis sound like a good way to spend your Christmas holiday? How about lighting nine million candles to signify aliens or something and spinning around a block of wood? Sounds Christmasy to me! HOORAY FOR DIVERSITY.
Let's face it, America: Christmas has none of these weird, stupid traditions associated with it, and makes a lot more sense than the other holidays, too. For example, the story of Christmas, unlike the other holidays, is simple and believable: a baby was born to a woman who had never had sex before, and three men listened to a talking sky to figure out how to get there to give him presents. No banging drums, no lighting candles, and definitely no flying planes into people.
Besides, you don't even have to take just my word for it: Christmas is the most popular holiday in the United States, and therefore, it's the most correct one. The people have spoken, America, and they want the one with the tree (I'm still trying to figure out how that part fits into the original Christmas story -- I think it has something to do with a talking bat). And with the bizarre, stupid nature of the other religions, can you really blame them?
President Bush is a fair man, America, and that's why I expect him to do away with every religion except for one. It's high time that we finally got the recognition we deserve.