Terri Schiavo Will Be The Death Of Me

Pictured: Frank Patriot

America, I'm in a very sad mood right now. I have something to say that very well end up getting me arrested, which I would gladly accept and even encourage, because it would be the only reasonable thing for the government to do to a communist hippie such as myself. Even if the government somehow lets me down and doesn't arrest me, I'll be even more disappointed in the government, which will then cause them to come arrest me, which I will have deserved for a second time, so I hope they'll punish me twice.

Rush Limbaugh is a fine man, but even he fell into the trap of hypocrisy, condemning drug users for years but failing to be as harsh on himself when liberals planted evidence of painkiller abuse on him. I won't make the same mistake; I've been a long-time proponent of mandatory minimum sentencing for communist/terrorist/homosexual sympathizers, and I'm not going to change that for myself. Hopefully I'll even get raped while I'm in there. That would show me.

What am I talking about, America? It all comes down to one woman. One woman has single-handedly assured my glorious demise in this, the best country in the world that I somehow ended up being an enemy of. If you were thinking Hilary Clinton, that's a damn fine guess, but this woman is marginally smarter: Terry Schiavo.

I've spent long nights awake, furiously making diagrams and charts. I've gone through over 60 packs of magic markers drawing arrows and equations on my American flag chalkboard (which I now see was actually a form of defacing the flag, and wholeheartedly expect the judge to take this into consideration when deciding my punishment). I've compared all 4,294 video tapes I have of President Bush, hoping to find some kind of common theme to tie it all together.

But damn it, America, I just can't do it. I can't figure out how I'm supposed to feel about Terri Schiavo, and the reason -- the real communist part -- is that I don't think the Bush administration has properly equipped me to do so.

Listen to me! If this was World War II I'd probably be a full-fledged Communist Fascist Nazi already, the very people I've fought over and over in my dreams, where a kind-hearted genie always grants me my wish to fight in all America's wars except for Vietnam because that doesn't count, over the years. But believe me, I've tried time and time again, and the answer always comes up the same: I'm a no good hippie.

Terry Schiavo could be like Social Security. That's the one answer, and it's the one I thought we'd be going with. You know the drill, America: private accounts are good, because government is bad, and we can invest our own money much better anyway, even though we wouldn't be safe in a stock market crash, but that would never even happen. The bottom line: less government.

But then...Terry Schiavo could be like baseball steroids, which is just an extension of the WAR ON DRUGS. The government has to step in, otherwise Marijuana Faggots will ruin everything for everyone. They didn't even want to do anything, but the Marijuana users, hopped up on goofballs and ready to murder millions of people all over the highways, practically forced them into it. So fine, Terri Schiavo is like steroids: a regrettable case of communists forcing us to kill them. Well, not kill. This is also sort of like the abortion issue, which is cut-and-dry: don't kill the potential for life (not counting c*ndoms, etc.). And there is potential here with Terri, America. If I can grow my skin back after I get a cut, then Terri can grow her brain back.

But...then we have to keep her alive. And if her family runs out of money, how will we do that? With some damn Democratic socialist medicine program? Smells like communism to me, and if there's one thing I am sure of, it's that George Walker Bush is no communist, but rather an American Hero. The only communist here is me for even thinking of things like an "exit strategy". Good God Almighty, I should check the mirror to make sure I'm not Michael Moore!

Okay, I'm back, and I'm not, America. But I might as well be. Even if I forget about what would happen if Terri was kept alive, I still can't wrap my brain around this one. George W. Bush isn't wrong, of course. That's impossible. It's just that I'm not smart enough to understand his philosophy, and for that, I apologize to the flag and the bald eagle. I eagerly await the CIA to grill me about my possible terrorist involvements, which I might even have, unbeknownst to myself. If I can feel this confused about a brain-dead woman, anything is possible.

I'm sorry, America. Terry Schiavo, rest in peace and/or never give up.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. However, in light of his doubt, he is no longer a true American.

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