This Judge And Harry Potter Sure Came In The Nick Of Time

Pictured: Frank Patriot

The last time we spoke, America, I wasn't doing so well, and it wasn't because of the mysterious illness I've been experiencing recently that I refuse to go to the doctor's to treat because my damned insurance would pay for it, and that would be a form of socialism.

I was confused about my place as an American, and I was waiting for the government to come and arrest me. I have come to realize, however, that because of my humble service to my country and my repeated letters requesting that I be shipped to Iraq despite my age, impaired eyesight, impaired hearing, and extreme fear of sand people, I have been permitted to stay out of Guantanamo Bay. It's a shame, because our government should really be tougher on people like me, and I'd be interested in volunteering information on exactly what methods of torture worked best on me, but I'm glad to still be free, because I can contribute to our society. I can contribute a distraction.

I'm no homosexual, America, but believe me when I say this: thank Uncle Sam Christ that the new Harry Potter book is out. I even read it, although I pasted hardcore three-males-on-one-female triple penetration pornography on every sixth page in order to reaffirm my manhood. Then, I discussed it with anyone who might have an interest, or might have an interest in other things that are simply not very important.

"Hey, neighbor," said my neighbor, who I sometimes suspect is a liberal but has two kids and a dog, so I can't be sure. "Have you heard about this CIA nonsense? Kar --"

"POTTER," I interrupted loudly. "His name is Potter, actually. Harry Potter. That's okay, it's easy to forget. Just read the book over again." Then I gave him a copy of the latest one, just to make sure he got the message.

"Well, thanks," he said, looking a little confused, "but what I meant was, it's all over the news the way --"

"Liberal bias," I said automatically. "The news has a liberal bias, neighbor. I'll tell you what doesn't have a liberal bias, though. Ron Weasley. That kid is a true American hero. You should really think more about him and less about what may or may not be on the news."

The thing is, America, you can only talk about Harry Potter so much before people start to wonder about you, and the government begins to notice that your file has an awful lot about fictional books, and maybe it's not that big of a leap for you to start reading and talking about the Koran, and then you're plowing into buildings and causing hurricanes in Florida. So you can imagine how happy I was when I heard that President Bush nominated John Roberts for the high court. I can finally retire Harry Potter and focus on this.

Why? It's not very American to ask questions, friend. What I mean is, I can retire Harry Potter from the current issues I talk about, because there's a new issue. There are no other issues.

I'm going to be honest here: I don't know much yet about John Roberts. But I'm ready to talk about him a great deal. There's so much we can say! He's not conservative enough, for instance. But maybe he's just conservative enough for what we need. He's a man of integrity and even if someone found an instance where he allegedly possibly told someone something secret, it wouldn't make him any less of a true American hero and a credit to this administration. His nomination was on the TV, and that was a good thing, I'd say. We don't need anybody talking about any other whatnot going on in the CIA when John Roberts is on.

No, John Roberts was never in the CIA. What in the hell gave you that idea?

John Roberts. This guy is a true conservative. Or he isn't. He's a half-blood prince. Did you hear who dies on the Supreme Court at the end? It's a split decision, there are lots of important issues at stake, and Hermione won't stay young forever.

We should probably argue about this for a long time.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. His favorite Harry Potter character is Voldemort.

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