God Damnit, Harriet Miers
America. AMERICA. I'm so darned pissed off right now that I have to keep repeating the name of this great, fantastic, great country over and over again to calm myself. It's like a mantra, but without the liberal Hinduist overtones or feeling-repression psychobabble.
But America, no matter how many times I say AMERICA to myself or get pissed off at the commercial for that gay Star Wars Episode III DVD, I can't completely repress my feelings of anger at Harriet Miers, the woman who was supposed to join forces with John Roberts to lead our Supreme Court into a new era of non-activist ruling to make sure they actively peel back stances on issues. Issues like abortion, flag-burning, and men having facial hair without also being rugged loggers. These are the issues that define America, and Harriet Miers was supposed to be the final key to unlock the right side of them. Instead, she resigned. God damnit, Harriet!
Some conservatives are celebrating this, America. Can you believe that? They don't see what people like you and I and President Bush saw all along -- that Harriet Miers was our Golden Ticket, minus the fruity singing and delicious chocolate. She came from a respectable, God-fearing church that takes the Bible literally, the way it was meant to be (and if you don't believe the Earth was created 6,000 years ago you're an ignoramus). She wrote President Bush friendly congratulatory notes -- not three or four times a day like I do, but still a good amount. She didn't have knowledge or notions of things like the "Constitution" to liberalize her and make her stray from ruling from Jesus' heart. She was perfect. This is the worst thing to happen to this country since NINE ELEVEN GOD JESUS FORGET NEVER WE WON'T 2001.
Didn't she realize that the last judge to withdraw his own nomination was Douglas Ginsburg in 1987? Now, he withdrew because he once smoked marijuana, which is a perfectly good reason to not be a judge, since smoking reefer even once can drive you to madness, and probably did with old Doug. But to withdraw because some liberal Senators keep bugging you about your "incomplete" application form (that just shows eagerness to stop with the formalities and get to the ruling), or lack of knowledge of the law (what's to know? We all know the Ten Commandments even if the leftists try to hide them from us and our courthouses), or unwillingness to show your love note correspondences with President Bush (who hasn't written him a love note)? That's just poor form, Harriet. That's just being a wuss and giving up. What the hell would happen if we would give up in Iraq right now? SEPTEMBER 11TH TWO, THAT'S WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN. God damn, Harriet, I never had you figured for a terrorist, but you're looking an awful lot like one right about now!
Maybe I'm being a little too rough on Harriet, though. It's not all her fault that she felt like she had to withdraw. There are people in this country who made her feel that way. What the hell is our world coming to, America, that a woman can't even write notes to the President without people wanting to see those notes because she's going to be a judge? Haven't people ever heard of minding their own business? Since when is a woman trying to get a job everyone's god damned concern? I don't run down to the abortion clinic when they're hiring and scream and protest about that. Well, I do, but at least I don't ask to see their letters to President Bush. That would just be rude.
Now who's left? Alberto Gonzales? Sorry, America, but with a name like that you know he's about one margarita away from opening the borders to any foreigner who wants in. It's just genetics. He really should've thought about that before getting into a career in American politics. I might've written this paragraph differently if his name was Alberto Smith.
God damnit, Harriet Miers! You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the liberals, not join them, which you practically just did by resigning! It was you who would bring fairness and balance to America, not leave it in leftist darkness!