I Miss The Good Old Days When Smoking Wasn't Bad For You

Pictured: Frank Patriot

My good American friends, someone is out to get us. Someone is trying to spoil a perfectly good time to make a few crybabies and whiners happy. Get ready to get angry, because I know I am.

Things were going just fine in this country for centuries until these pinko communist tree-loving hippies appeared out of radioactive waste in the 60's (and don't take that to mean I'm some god damned environmentalist, because I love nuclear waste and would drink it if my country needed me to) and started trying to control the way we live. There are some things that should just never change, but sure enough, someone with a "better idea" comes along and makes us second-guess ourselves, as if we were supposed to constantly be asking, "Is what I'm doing right?" That's not the American way, patriots. We are supposed to know we're right, and if we're not, sooner or later, if we keep going the way we're going, we will be.

I was thinking about the old days while I was in the bank yesterday, and something odd occurred to me: no one was smoking. Why not? Since when did tobacco become such a no-no? One day I'm sitting on the bus, happily puffing away and blowing smoke rings at the cute baby next to me while I winked at his mother, and the next day everyone is telling me that I'm not allowed to smoke wherever I God Bless America choose -- all part of a commie-socialist-Indian plot to take away our rights!

Everything was fine until some know-it-all started spending valuable tax dollars on health research (money that should have been going straight to the development of new anti-terrorist weaponry, or to the development of a new government organization to stop big government) and started getting everybody riled up by saying things like, "Don’t smoke -- it's bad for you!", or, "Second-hand smoke can kill your vibes." Thanks for ruining my good time! If mister health-conscious hadn't made such a fuss, then we could happily continue smoking just like the God-given right it is, and no one would have been hurt. Nobody died of lung cancer back in the old days. They just died, and if they were lucky, they were shooting a Nazi while they did it... and smoking a cigarette.

Yes, I can't help but think about how much better things would be today if they were exactly like they were years ago. Everyone is so sensitive and health conscious and plain stupid, but here's some news for all you medical folk: I've been smoking since most of you were born, and I'm still here! Looks like you're wrong about everything, and that most likely includes global warming and stem cells, too.

So let's look at the list: you can't smoke, you can't flirt with the typist at work, you can't refer to the paperboy as that "little Negro boy" -- what is there left to do? There used to be a time when you could say the "n-word" and not have to worry about offending anyone (I can't even say the word out of context, because the liberal media would instantly label me a racist without reading any of the glowing words I've written about how the Slant-eye family down the street runs the best laundromat in town). Not anymore. Just try and use any of those time-honored words we used to use to describe blacks, Asians, Irishmen or I-talians and see if people don't give you looks like you were trying to burn the flag! And then they're allowed to burn the flag! What the hell kind of country is this, America, when you can burn our colors that DON'T RUN but not use a slang word to describe a black man while smoking a cigarette? The best country in the world, but still.

Friends, it is time for a full reversal. Nothing will get solved in this country until we can speak our minds freely without fear of being mislabeled as hateful, bigoted or prejudiced. Over-sensitive wetbacks must realize that I'm just a lover of freedom, and that they better have some papers or they should get out of here. Then, I will smoke the papers, because I should be able to without fear of my "health". We will all die miserable and unfulfilled if we cannot enjoy the relaxing and enjoyable flavor of a cigarette whenever the mood strikes us -- wear a gas mask around if you're concerned about my Constitutionally-protected fumes getting into your precious little bronchioles.

The future isn't so great. If technology were really "all that" then we could exhume Ronald Reagan, re-animate him and send our country into a new Golden Age with him as our leader -- only the second President ever to serve two non-continuous terms, and the first to have returned from the dead to serve his country. FDR didn't even have working legs.

But no, that hasn't happened yet, and until it does, all technology, advancements in the medical industry, social progress and the development of a stupidly tolerant society are nothing more than trickery to get us to give up our rights and live in a state of fear. Don't believe it!

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. For the sake of patriotism, he smokes 14 packs of cigarettes per day.

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