There Should Be 30 Americans, Not 300 Million

Pictured: Frank Patriot

You might think, America, that the announcement that there are now about 300 million Americans is a good thing. After all, that further establishes us as the largest non-terrorist county in the entire world, and statistically, if we keep having babies as the terrorists are killed by blowing themselves up, sooner or later there will be no terrorists left.

That was President Bush's plan all along, and I respect him for sticking to it. Nobody sticks to anything anymore -- that's something they ought to be teaching our kids in schools, instead of God knows what about monkey men and getting AIDS from having sex with each other.

And actually, America, that's exactly what I'm talking about when I say this news might have a hidden downside to it. Sure, there are 300 million Americans...but are they all American? I've been doing some calculations today, and I think you'll be surprised to find out that the amount of Americans who are American may be drastically less than you thought:

You see? By the time you're done with those figures and more, you get some kind of negative number, which makes sense: nobody alive today is good enough to be considered a true American, with the possible exception of President Bush, who can not be counted in statistics because it could give his location away to terrorists. But even allowing for some leeway, the number I got was 30. 30 people are actually in America today, being Americans. The rest are in a miscellaneous group I like to call "Ethniforeiterrorberals".

Suddenly, it all makes sense. Democracy can't work when it's being muddled up by people who aren't even technically a part of your country! I'm not saying America has problems, America: I'm saying the people who are calling themselves Americans are problems.

When you think about it, it's actually not surprising that there are so few true Americans. When our forefathers drove away the Red Menace from our great land back when they arrived here on great ships, there were only a handful of people at most, and those Americans bred down through the ages. But along the way, they made the mistake of letting other people join the land: immigrants. Unlike our forefathers, these people are not of this land, and instead came on boats, babbling about opportunity. I have an opportunity for my obviously-Hispanic mailman who isn't fooling anyone with his given name of "Jonathan": the opportunity for me to put a boot in your ass.

Don't mistake me for a paranoid nut-job, because those people aren't American, either, and would kill you and everyone you care about if they got the chance. I'm merely reminding everyone that while there is strength in numbers, our numbers are actually very, very low, and that means they have the population advantage. And I can't reproduce, America. I shot my own testicles off in a display of heroism that would have probably taken place had I been permitted to go to Iraq as I wanted.

Think about what this means! The odds are very high that wherever you go, there's an un-American person right there with you, waiting to sabotage you in your native land as he pretends that he belongs. Who is he to say that he belongs here? What the hell right does he have to stand there, next to you, an American, taking up a portion of America? By taking advantage of our freedoms, he's rubbing it in our faces just how much he hates our freedoms. Unfortunately, we aren't free to take action to defend the very freedoms we have, due to un-Americans infiltrating our justice system and passing liberal laws stopping that kind of thing. America would be a much freer place if we just had one man who passed all of our laws for us.

The song goes, "God bless America, my home sweet home." But it's looking like a few hundred million too many people took that lovely tune and twisted it to their own advantage. What can we, the true Americans, possibly do? Once we win the war in Iraq, I expect the population to fall as discouraged un-Americans leave, or simply fade away and disappear due to the power of our American victory. Until then, watch out for those 300 million people. You've been warned.

Frank Patriot is a true American who lives at an undisclosed location somewhere in America. He is currently touring the country to remind citizens that they are un-American.

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