Giving Democrats The House And Senate: Good Strategy, Mr. Bush
Fellow Americans, I know what you're thinking, and what you have been thinking ever since today, when the announcement was made that the Senate is officially joining the House as under Democrat control. You're thinking, "Good Lord in heaven, I am going to kill myself." Believe me, that was my initial reaction as well.
I wanted to die, America. I wanted to ball up an American flag and place it within my windpipe until I could no longer breathe, just like in my most favorite suicide fantasy (people who found me would say that I loved America so much that I literally choked on its freedoms).
But while I was trying to figure out a way to crumple an American flag reverently, and turning on the gas stove and putting duct tape over the windows as a secondary measure, it suddenly hit me: there's no reason to kill ourselves, because this is all part of President Bush's master plan to keep our country safe. In fact, I would almost suggest that we kill ourselves for even doubting him in the first place, but that's another editorial.
How can our country be safer with our government in the hands of people who would like nothing more than to kill you with your God-given firearm, then take it away from your cold, dead hand? The short answer is, it's not -- at least not yet. That's a calculated risk that the President is taking to ensure that in 2008, our country becomes safer than ever.
Think about it, America! The next Presidential election is only two years away, and unless he has figured out a way to clone himself -- which I oppose morally, but support technically in this hypothetical situation -- and thus circumvent the law, President Bush cannot be the President again. We're going to need a new Republican that at least partially approaches his level of fearless stay-the-courseness, and to do that, we need to make sure the public will vote Republican. And what better way to do that then give them a two year preview of what life would be like under Democratic rule?
How will people vote after two years of our soldiers being stranding in Iraq to die (that's right, stranded there -- what do you think the Dems mean when they say "exit strategy", tea drinking and rainbow farts?)? How will people vote after over half of the population is aborted? How will people vote after Iran is declared the new capital of the United States? Not Democrat, I'm betting. And President Bush is betting that way, too.
When you think about it, this is actually the best possible scenario that could've happened in the midterm elections. Most real Americans know that Republicans give us what we want, but people have a tendency to become complacent if they live the good life for too long. Before you know it, their guard is down, they're not voting, they're not not forgetting, and an Islamic Facist group is declaring martial law. As horrible as two years of the Democrats telling us we must all now wear pink frilly dresses will be, it's worth it to scare some people into voting so that we don't have 100 years of terrorists telling us that we must all now wear death suits.
When President Bush says that he's going to work with the Democrats, America, this is what he secretly means. He does not mean that he's going to join them on making new policies that go against his views, because that would not be like him. He means that he let them win for now to make America safer, and that in private he's still going to punch that uppity Pelosi woman right in her face. She may go into intensive care, America, but that's okay. Anything to protect our freedoms.
So suck it up, America, and treat these next two years as what the President designed them to be: a chilling preview of what life would be like under al Qaeda rule. This is the best way to get us voting in 2008, so that we can quickly undo any damage the Democrats manage to inflict and make sure the legacy of George W. Bush remains intact. That's our patriotic duty.