Darn It, I Knew I Should've Slept Last Night

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

Darn! Darn! Darn! Double Darn! I did it again, and on the one day when I really could have used just an hour or two of shut-eye. I didn't go to sleep last night, and it's only Wednesday, and that's a big mistake. Actually, now I think it's Thursday, but my internal clock is running on Australian time, so how should I know?

I could have been in bed and sleeping at 9:00 last night if Mike hadn't called me and offered to get me higher than I'd ever been. I know that the blame ultimately rests with me, but I just couldn't turn down direct-from-Columbia uncut pure yeyo and Mike should have known that.

Oh phooey! This computer screen is really starting to hurt my blood-shot eyes. I hope my boss doesn't ask me to take off my sunglasses or worse yet go into his office for a chat -- he'll see the telltale signs of an all-night coke binge: the red eyes, the shaky hands, dilated pupils -- poo! Maybe I can tell him that I was up all night crying because my dog died, but that would be my third dog this month.

I don't think that any of my real good friends know that I have a drug problem, and if they did they would probably try to tell me that I have a drug problem and need to seek help, to which I would reply that I don't have a problem and that it's none of their gosh-darn beeswax.

Mike isn't a real friend -- he just gets me high and molests poodles. He's one of those people you see wearing black leather jackets who forces you to smoke marijuana cigarettes because it's cool and you'll be a loser if you don't. He's not a real friend, just someone who's house I can always go over to at 2 AM when all my real friends are at home, sleeping with their wives or girlfriends who just wouldn't understand why someone would call so late screaming about termites burrowing under my skin.

I always do a very good job at work, even after I haven't slept for 24 to 48 hours or more. Sometimes I'll lay on my bed with my eyes wide open after having taken a dose, done a line - just like I am I've had my big mug full of office coffee in the morning - and I'll go through everything that I need to do the next day. I'll think to myself, “If I can just come down enough to hold my hand steady so I can use a pen then I can write myself out a list of things that need to get done.” I always make it in on time, even if I smell like the floor I slept on the night before, but I'm always smiling and ready to give the competition what for.

Sometimes I get so focused on work that I can't even remember to eat. I often find myself going two or three days without even remembering that I should be having a sandwich every once in awhile, and then it's like, “Wow! I have to take all these diet pills to stay awake because I'm not eating and getting my vitamins! Oh!”

Today at work hasn't been all that fun. I came in on time, and people might have been talking to me, but I'm not sure. I just came to my desk, stared at the screen and passed out sometime between 8:00 and lunch. I think my boss likes me, which is good, because that means I have a cushion to fall back on if I do something that he doesn't like. I don't think he was excited to come by my desk and see me laying on the floor with my suit jacket balled up underneath my head. At least I woke up the first time he nudged me, but the look on his face wasn't one of love and concern exactly. Dang!

All I've got to say is thank God it's Friday tomorrow! I don't know how much more of this grind I can take! One of these days I'm going to learn to watch who I talk to about the things I do after we all get off work, but I use words like ‘cheeba', ‘ice', ‘cycline' and ‘endo' as a personal code to help disguise the real meaning of things. I don't want to lie to anyone. Most people who went to college and studied computer programming don't know the language of the streets, so I don't think they understand anyway. Still, I should be careful, because someone might look it all up on the internet and tell someone who tells someone who might tell Nicole, our secretary. I kind of like her and I don't want her to think that I'm really into that stuff --ß only after work and usually on weekends unless Mike makes a really convincing case for having me come over for another interplanetary mission.

But gee whiz, ain't life grand! I'm still going strong after almost seven hours of sitting up straight in my chair, and I just remembered that I have some super quaaludes at home that I might take if I'm still shaking. Then I'll get a good night sleep, wake up feeling refreshed and renewed in the morning and come in to finish all that work that I didn't get done today. Yeah, everything is still kind of blurry and distant, but that might just be because traffic today was really slow and I'm kind of tired anyway.

Ah, I feel so much better now that I've talked about all this. I'll try to sleep tonight before I come into work in the morning and maybe even take a shower before then too. Have a good day! TGIF!

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He was high when writing this column.

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