I've Never Let My Drinking and Drug Addictions Keep Me from Getting to Work

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

Lately, I've started hearing some people say that a lot of things I do constitute dangerous behavior or warning signs of a destructive personality. If there's one thing I'm good at doing, it's clearing the air, so let's do it to it.

Ahem: if you say that my substance habits are in some way endangering my life, all I have to say is that my routine alcohol and drug abuse has never once kept me from getting to work on time! How's that for out-of-control behavior? Ha!

Some people might let their habits get the better of them, and stay at home one day because they are too hung over or junk-sick to make it to work, but not me -- even if I'm reeking of model glue and rubbing alcohol, I always make sure that I make it into the office. Me: one, irresponsibility: zero.

Speaking of risky behavior: there is nothing more risky than someone who is unwilling to put in a full day of work. Obviously, given this economy, there just aren't enough people up for the challenge, but not me -- I'm solid as a rock, like crack. Nothing has ever kept me from work, even if I have to carry a bucket with me into which I vomit blood, bile and occasionally semen during the bus ride downtown, throughout the morning, and into the afternoon, until I'm either able to stop shaking violently or have to go home because it's quittin' time, whichever comes first.

The point is, you'll never get "no" for an answer from me, no sir! Not even if I'm hallucinating from the LSD-25 I put in my morning coffee, or from coming off junk when my dealer leaves me high and dry… this is one can-do attitude right here!

But I can't speak for everyone. Some of the weaker ones can't even get out of bed after a night of heavy drinking, and make up excuses like coming down with the flu, or having food poisoning to avoid their duty of putting in eight good hours… come on! What is this, kindergarten? Ever hear of cocaine, you slackers? Am I the only one who is willing to snort a gram of coke before sunrise so I can get to my desk on time and make a killing for my company? Think of where the 1980s would have taken us had it not been for this fantastic wonder-drug. I shudder to think of a world without it. I also shudder because I need to use some more of it soon, but that's neither here nor there.

No wonder we're now seeing economic problems and decline in worker-morale -- no one is setting the kind of example we need! I'm doing my best, and I recommend that you do the same. There have been some days when I could have copped out and gone to the emergency room to extract that hypodermic needle stuck in my forearm, or for nearly going into cardiac arrest after huffing Freon, but what would that say about me? Really, one badly-timed no-show and my reputation could be ruined forever! All you do is cover up whatever wound you self-inflicted, or put on a Spider Man mask to cover up your sunken eyes, and tell your co-workers, "I'm going to be the Superhero that saves the company!" That's the kind of leadership that corporate America needs today.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but really, I don't know how a person can look at themselves in the mirror and think, "I think I'm going to go ahead and let this little head-cold keep me from attending to my job today, and I'm not even seeing poison visions of spiders and flesh-eating bacteria falling from the sky." Unconscionable, I say. Well, not this guy right here. Not Mr. Bunson. I'll never miss a round-table meeting for a coke-induced nose-bleed, nor will I cancel a teleconference for a bout of projectile vomiting. That's accountability! No dangerous behavior here...just a dangerous work ethic! Watch out!

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He works hard, especially at drinking.

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