Asking 'What Would Jesus Do' Is Kind Of Moot At This Point

Pictured: Gerald William Bunson

I try to be a good person and do whatever is right whenever I can. It's hard to do, but since when was doing the right thing the path of least resistance? Like when Williams demanded that I pay the money he claims I still owe him, even though there was never any agreement that I had to pay him back by a certain date, I agreed to slash the tires of one of his rival dealers to settle the score. Even when I refused to give Don head in recompense for the coke binge he made possible the other night, the Lord provided when I found the leftover grocery fund that my mother had given me to help get something to eat. That night, everyone slept with a clear conscience.

Of course, things aren't always so cut and dry. For example, when I go down to the corner to score some H for the night, I think to myself, "Would Jesus go to the pimp in with the gold teeth and the leopard skin hat for a fix, or would he help the crippled guy out who needs to sell X-amount of product a night to afford his insulin?" That one's easy, but after I shoot the poor guy's smack, and I'm lying on my floor convulsing and hallucinating, the question "What Would Jesus Do" takes on a completely different meaning, if any meaning at all.

"Should I call poison control?" crosses my mind. Sure, that might seem like the most responsible thing to do, but then they might ask me questions like, "What did you take? Where did you get it? Do you know the name of the pusher?" That could put the poor guy in jail, and I don't think that Jesus would ever want to see that happen. Not to some guy who's been reduced to selling lethal doses just to make it through each day, no way.

"Should I induce vomiting?" is also a thought, but then I reflect that unlike the reds that Shamus sold me last month, you can't puke out morphine. So that's out. Maybe if Jesus were here he could help me in that department, but as far as living out the example that Jesus set for us, I don't know what kind of options I have at this point.

"Can I get away from these purple slime creatures?" is also a popular one. But would Jesus create a slime creature hallucination so slimy that even he himself could not look away? Crunch on that for a while and you get a sense of why WWJD is such a mind-fuck -- it just doesn't account for things like slime creatures. Maybe they should've put that in the Bible somewhere.

Doing the right thing is never easy, and downright impossible sometimes. Even though I still wear my WWJD bracelet, I sometimes forget it's there until my choices are whittled down so far that bringing Jesus into the whole equation could be lethal. I mean, when a big guy with a swastika tattooed on his baldhead is threatening to have me emasculated me if I don't pay him by Tuesday, offering to pray for him won't do much good. At that point I'm left to "steal the church's soup kitchen fund", and hope that I can make a better decision next time the chance comes around.

Then there's the question of abortion. I know that Jesus would never have an abortion himself, but I hear that some drug lords are using dead babies to transport kilos of coke across the border, and is it really that much of a sin to do something good with a crime that's already been committed? It's not like I'm killing these babies, and while I'm not proud of having inhaled something that spent a few weeks in an unborn child's alimentary canal, I'm not exactly adding to the demand for the aborted fetuses market. I would snort coke that came out of dirty socks, coffee grounds, or puppy carcasses, so what's the difference?

Yes, sometimes there comes a point when the WWJD question is really a moot question. Even though God is everywhere, I don't really want Him around when I'm clawing at the giant tarantulas burrowing into my flesh unless there's something He can do about it. Usually, if He shows up at all, it's just to make me feel bad about shooting smack that I knew was one part talcum powder for every part poppy, not to do anything constructive. What Would Jesus Do? Aside from coming up with some kind of miracle in the form of five hundred bucks in cold hard cash, I don't see how the question has any relevance whatsoever.

Gerald William Bunson currently lives in North Dakota, where he writes usage directions for toilet paper. He doesn't ask Jesus what he would do, but does talk with him occasionally about sports and different kinds of drugs.

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