Sorry I'm Not A Man

Pictured: Harswil Manchester III, Esquire

It's no secret that this is a man's world we live in today. I've known that ever since I was taught in school how there's never been any woman president, ever. For 35 years I've been making a big deal about it, going to protest rallies over how only women can have babies, and how a woman is expected to wear a bra around. But what I realized today is that maybe I should just apologize. Apologize for what I am. Maybe I should just say to society, "Hey! Pigs! Sorry I'm not a man!"

It's going to be my mantra from now on. When I am forced to go to a different bathroom just because of what's between my legs, I'll put my hands up in apology and say, "Hey! Oppressor! Sorry I'm not a man!" Or for times when I go and try to get a job at a male strip club, and they take one look at me (or two or three, depending on how much light there is) and say, "Uh, you can't work here." Sorry I don't have a penis because the surgery didn't work!

Maybe I have some male readers of this editorial here (in fact, I'm sure I do -- count how many "Area Man" articles you see on The Enduring Vision, and compare them to "Area Woman". Sexism! Yes please!). I know what they're saying: "Oink oink, sex and beer, women don't have anything good to say!" Well guess what, chauvinist? You ought to try watching a little channel called the Lifetime network instead of Spike TV and Boobs 23. If you did, maybe you'd realize what hundreds of women who watch it already know: you should be sorry for everything you've ever done, you wife-beating loser.

But I guess I don't see it from your point of view, because I'm not a man. I guess I should apologize for whenever I pushed over my TV and broke it because a news report said that women are at a higher risk for breast cancer than men. Sorry things like that make me mad! I guess I'll just have to get used to the fact that because I'm not a man, I have to be subjected to more cancer. Oh, and speaking of things that have to hurt me because I'm not a man, I guess I should apologize for hitting my doctor that time when he told me that a yeast infection is typically something only a woman can get. Sorry, doc! I'm just a silly little girl who has to get infections just because the big strong men say so!

Sorry, boys (and that one was a real apology), but this is one sarcastic chick. You're not getting an apology for anything. That's right, I'm going to keep not shaving my legs and going to the beach and telling everyone who stares at them to get out of the 1950s, and I'm going to keep going to Wal*Mart and shouting, "Attention shoppers! I'm not buying a vacuum today because I am a modern woman!" And I might even keep returning part of my paycheck to my employer to prove that the glass ceiling exists. That's right, pigs. I'm your worst nightmare, and I'm not apologizing. So you better get used to it, or get equality.

Jane Kurowitz is a female -- yeah, so what? She has never met you, but knows you are a sexist.

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