Get Out Of My Way, My Kids Probably Have Swine Flu
After reading the title of my newest column, you might want to call me Rude Rhonda instead of Nancy Normal! All kidding aside, I do understand that urge, but don't let my joke fool you: I'm one tough momma hen when it comes to protecting my little chicks. And if you come between this hen and her chicks, you might just get your eyes pecked out!
Oh, I'm just so worked up! I can tell, because I dried my hands for a good 45 minutes after doing the dishes last night, and I ended up drying most of my skin right off my muscles and tendons. (The whole experience made me wish that I could take a pill to turn my blood into dish soap!) The problem is that darn swine flu, or as I like to call it, public enemy number one, after Osama bin Laden!
Can little chicks get the swine flu? I didn't think so, and that gave me some relief for a while...until I remembered that my little chickies aren't actually birds, they're humans! Oh no! Plus, sometimes I call them my little piggies, and a piggy is a swine! DOUBLE oh no! Maybe Hubby was right to tell me that I should just call them the god damned kids and stop turning them gay. But Nancy just HAD to be creative, and now her cute little names may have doomed her little horsies to death -- or a life of homosexuality! :(
That's why I'm not taking any chances: I'm getting each one of my little mini-Nancies eight swine flu vaccines, and three regular flu vaccines, and maybe a few horse vaccines to be extra safe. The trouble is, my county -- along with the other counties in a 140 mile radius around me that I called -- doesn't have any vaccines yet, probably because we're mostly white, and President Obama doesn't like us. By the time I can get my wings on the vaccines, it will be too late, and I'll need to get some new kids! (But we all know how kids are made, so that could be fun! Sorry, I didn't mean to turn this into an issue of Cosmopolitan!)
I'm trying to stay positive just like my father and/or husband would want, but the more I think about it, the more I'm almost positive that my kids have the swine flu. Can you think of any other explanation as to why they suddenly look like ugly warthogs when I stare at them for a few hours? They're already starting to change into hideous creatures, and none of them are even close to the age of puberty!
So now what, Nancy? Well, you know the saying: when life hands you lemons, go to the emergency room immediately. These creatures in my house may look like pig aliens who are thinking of killing me and letting my pie burn so that Hubby kills me a second time, but they're still my kids. So when I burst into the hospital and demand that they each get an MRI and a bone marrow transplant, I don't want to hear any excuses from anyone -- including you, Mr. I-Was-Here-First-And-I-Have-An-Actual-Emergency! Call someone who cares, and if you can't get through, wait a few hours, because all the phones are probably tied up with people calling about the swine flu.
The swine flu will probably kill us all eventually, but if a few of us smartie pants are careful, we can survive long enough to make it more difficult for everyone else. That'll teach them to mess with my piggies!