Spring Has Sprung, Assholes
You know, there's nothing quite like the mood in the air when springtime finally comes. The snow that sticks to the shit roads and creates fuckholes that the county can't even fix right is gone, birds are tweeting and shit, and it's just a nice time to be alive.
But you know what? There are some people out there who, believe it or not, just couldn't be bothered to give a good god damn shit about spring. And for those people, I say this: CHEER THE FUCKING SHIT UP.
Take my kids, for example. There's two things about my kids that pissed me off recently: 1.) I don't know how many I have, but it's too fucking many, and 2.) THEY DO NOT GIVE A GOOD GOD DAMNED FUCK ABOUT SPRING. I could tell this because my eight year-old daughter came home at eight last night.
"What in the name of the spirit of MOTHERFUCKING SPRING ARE YOU DOING HOME?" I asked her kindly. "And why the FUCK don't your clothes have LITTLE FUCKING SPRINGTIME FLOWERS FUCK ON THEM?"
"I came home because it's dark," she said, starting to cry for WHO THE SHIT KNOWS WHY. "And I don't have any clothes with flowers on them, because you said they were for pansy-shits."
"YOU WATCH YOUR PANSY-SHITTING MOUTH!" I said sternly, being a good parent and biting the neck off my beer bottle to show that I meant business. "Draw some flowers on your shirt and GET THE HELL BACK OUTSIDE!"
Just then my wife came in, probably to hear what the YELLING was all about, JESUS CHRIST THAT IS SO LIKE HER.
"Is everything okay, Pete?" she asked, probably making fun of me somehow on the inside, since everybody brings down old PETEROO for liking A NICE FUCKING SEASON. "I heard some yelling."
"IT'S SPRINGFUCK, FOR CHRIST'S SHIT!" I screamed. "OF COURSE EVERYTHING'S OKAY."
Can you believe all this? Spring has fucking sprung, and all these people in MI FUCKING FAMILIA can do is not stay outside for long, and ask why everyone is yelling. But just you wait, because it gets even worse.
You see, today I walked the 23 miles to work, because it's fucking spring and I wanted to enjoy the nice weather. Sure, I had to get up at THREE THE FUCK in the morning to be on time, but it was nice because it was springtime. Even when some TRYING-TO-BE-NICE WHORE tried to stop and offer me a ride, I politely declined, ripping one of her windshield wipers off and using it as a gigantic middle finger as I flipped her off and said, "It's SPRING, I'M NOT WALKING BECAUSE I'M POOR, EVEN THOUGH I AM BECAUSE THE FUCKING PLANT DOESN'T PAY ME ENOUGH!" I walked, and it felt good.
At least, it did, until I finally arrived at work and saw my buddy Jim "THE STUPID SHIT" Norwinski driving his old AUTOMOBILE MOTORASS into the parking lot! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SPRING!
"OH MY FUCKING BITCH," I said loudly, pulling him out of his car through his windshield. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE FUCKING BLOOMING FLOWERS ARE YOU DOING?"
"Pete," Jim said, trying to talk through his collapsing skull because he's a WUSS, "I just drove to work. I don't know what you mean."
"I MEAN THIS!" I shouted, eating some of his car's upholstery. "YOU DON'T DRIVE IN THE SPRING, YOU WALK AND LOOK AT THE FLOWERS AND GET A FUCKING TWITTERPATING FEELING!"
Jim didn't answer me, but somehow, I knew he finally got it. The spirit of spring had finally gotten to him, and if you're lucky and not a DAMN SHIT, it'll get to you, too.