I Will Make A Law To Marry My Gun

Pictured: Randall Moore

After a fight with my wife this evening concerning why I could not go to her sister's with the rest of the family (it was gun polishing night), I have come to a conclusion, my friends: guns are much, much better than women. I am therefore proposing that the NRA, of which I am a proud member of, passes a law enabling gun owners to legally wed their guns.

Think about it. Your gun never disobeys you. You can get into a lot of trouble with your gun, but it's your fault, not your gun's. Guns aren't sold to dangerous people, anyway; the background checks performed by clerks confirm that, and they also ensure that people who buy guns will never do something questionable with the gun they purchased, ever. My point is, unlike your wife, your gun is a possession you have that actually listens to you.

Your gun is also probably much better looking than your wife. I would much rather look at the curves of a Winchester rifle than the bulges and missing teeth of my wife, since she has decided to make eating her lifetime hobby since I married her. Your gun can never change its appearence, unless you let it go by not caring for it, in which case you should be arrested and executed immediately for criminal neglect. We do it for people and even animals -- why not guns? Is a gun lesser than a dog? The answer is no, of course not, because nobody would want to marry a dog, but plenty of people want to marry their guns.

And unless she is a cyborg, your wife cannot be aimed at things to kill them instantly. This is perhaps the biggest reason why my gun is vastly superior. There is nothing quite like the sport of taking a large assault rifle and shooting a squirrel 47 times with it, and that is something that can only be shared between a man and his gun. Wives simply cannot duplicate this.

Another thing: guns would not care if you began to be interested in other guns, which is more than I can say for my wife, who calls it "sick" whenever I express a romantic attraction to a gun. Is it so sick to want to own as many of these killing machines as possible, and quit your job so that you can concentrate on polishing each and every one of them, and think about your stupid former boss who didn't understand that a man needs time off every now and then while you're polishing them, and wondering how smart he would look after someone somehow accidentally had an accidental accident with a gun and his face? If that's sick, my friends, than you'd better take me and the rest of the NRA to the hospital, because we are pretty sick indeed. No, guns are loyal, even when you like other guns besides them. And until the day comes when they build guns with computer brains so that they are smart enough to figure out when you like other guns too, they will always be loyal. Can you say that about a stupid dog? No.

I think my guns would like to be married to me. Even though I give them as much of my time as I can now, they still sit by themselves in their cabinet for at least several minutes a day. Usually, this is because I am fighting with my wife, which would not happen if I was married to the guns instead of her. It's sort of like a Catch-22, only with me wanting to marry my guns instead of whatever a Catch-22 actually is. I think that might be from a book, and we in the NRA have a strict policy about shooting any books we encounter. They're like anti-guns, except for those that are about guns.

No, I'm not sick or gay, my friends. I'm just a man who loves his guns. And someday, if my law goes through, the state will have to recognize that love for what it is.

Randall Moore is a leader in the Love For Guns movement. He has confirmed that he would never cheat on his gun with a knife.

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