I'm Not Gay, But What Kind Of Dude Doesn't Appreciate A Good Penis?
What's the haps, my brosephs? I know we haven't spoken for a while (hah, just kidding, I would never keep track of something gay like that), but I'm right back at you with an important message: dicks are amazing.
Now, chill out for a second, dawg, because I know what you're thinking: "Has The Party [my name for myself, and if you don't know that, you must not have been at this college anytime in the past 17 years!] lost his shit? I knew that already!"
Well, just listen, dingus, and you might learn something (sorry, nerds: I would never try and teach you anything! But I am about to say stuff that's awesome, so leave now! ICE BURN). Check this before you wreck shit:
Your human wang (and I know you have one, because chicks don't read, only except for when they're reading about having sex with me! LOL, it's a book called "Sleeping With The Party" and it's on Amazon.com through a vanity press) is the most beautiful thing on this planet. I'm not trying to get all chick book on you, but it's true, dude! And if you don't think so, you need to spend some serious time checking out this amazing organ (no, not like the church kind, hahaha, Jesus is Lord) -- whether it's yours or someone else's.
I was hitting up the b-room the other day for some sweet tinkle-tinkle action, and a fellow bro was next to me, getting his "liquid waste" out (chill out, nerds -- I got it from Wikipedia! Look at The Party doing serious scholarly research for an internet editorial, damn!). Anyway, I took a big long gaze at my stall neighbor's trouser snake, and dudes, I was fucking inspired.
You heard me, fellow partyholics! It was like that art (still not gay) dude seeing the Mona Lisa, only instead of some chick who smiled weird, I was looking at the smooth, enormous penis of another man. Suddenly, I found myself coming (oh snap, foreshadowing, haha, what) back to my room for a round of what ended up being some of my best beating off in years! I was totally scoping out this chick on a poster in front of me the whole time, natch, but the thing that like, inspired me was the amazing beauty of the stranger's tool.
You starting to feel me yet, dudes (ladies, if you could read this, I know you would be! Oh yeah!)? There's a reason why practically all girls think about is penises floating through the air and rubbing all over them: because they're amazing! Think about all your package has done for you. It lets you pee, and gives you and your frat brothers hilarious games to play at parties. You haven't really experienced your frat brotherhood (haha, you thought I'd have a joke here, but that's fucking serious stuff, LOL) until you've all touched your penises together, like you were gay or something! Why doesn't somebody put that on Comedy Central? I'd watch that 24/7 (24 months a year, seven years a...millennium!).
Listen: chicks get to do this kind of stuff all the time with their vaginas! There must seriously be nine million trillion movies and books about how great being a woman (in other words, having a vagina) is. It's only fair that we can appreciate each other's awesome penises, too! Plus, let's be honest: your average vagina is pretty sick-looking, bros. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're totally awesome, and The Party is practically surrounded by them 365/2,000, but a vagina is definitely no penis, that's for sure!
Okay, let's break it down, for real. Penises:
- Look powerful and sweet
- Make parties cooler the more you have of them
- Are penis-shaped
- Can't drink beer through them (yet)
- Are found on gay people
Overall, the penis looks like a winner, and that includes yours, dude! Take a look at it right now, and then give it another look from your pal The Party! Yeah!