Ask A Real Doctor: Edition 1

Pictured: A real doctor

Many readers of The Enduring Vision may not realize it, but the founder of this paper -- i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this) -- is a certified doctor in Psychology! That's right, I founded this fine newspaper after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor on the East Coast. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.

Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.

Dear Dr. Josh,
I'm in a real pickle here! I believe I'm attracted to a woman who is too young for me, but I can't help it! I'm a young 63 year old fella going on 22, but everytime I see this 17 year-old woman waiting at the bus stop, I feel like a teenager again? Could it be love? - Tickled In Tennessee

Dear Tickled,
It sounds like this woman wants to, to use an expression we commonly say in the Psychology business, have a great deal of sex with you! Showing up at the same bus stop as you every day is a common sign of romance. Plus, it's pretty unlikely that she would need to take the same bus as you every single day. She's not fooling anyone, and the next time you see her, grab her face and shove your tongue in it as if it were a fine lollipop. You'll both be relieved that you don't have to pretend anymore!

Hello Dr. Josh,
Maybe you can help me out here. I have been having these spells where I feel the need to set things on fire. Sometimes I resist them, but sometimes I have what I like to call a special "accident". So far this week, I have had an accident with my bedsheet, my car upholstery, and a man who was walking past me when I left my house. I'm a happy and healthy person, and I don't have any real stress (aside from the aforementioned man trying to get out of my closet and treat his wounds), so what could be wrong? - Burning In Pittsburgh

Dear Burning,
Yes, I believe I can help you. You see, setting things on fire is your way of expressing yourself, like some people draw, or some people stab other people. But society makes you feel guilty for doing this, and turns your creativity into a "problem". Well, if I had let society make me think I had a "problem", my mother would still be here today, trying to make me make my bed when I'm just going to fucking sleep in it again in ANOTHER NINE HOURS. Jesus.

Anyway, please continue to burn things, and you'll eventually be rewarded for using your natural gifts. Also, make sure to soundproof the door of the closet where your special creativity partner is being kept.

Hello Doctor,
I have a very severe problem here that I need help with. I keep having dreams where a man who looks a lot like my father comes into my room and hurts me at night. I feel like this dream drives me to date men who abuse me physically and verbally, and I constantly am drawn to situations that I know will harm me. I think that there must be some psychological reason for all of this, but I can't seem to figure it out. Can you help me? - Ms. Broken

Dear Ms. Broken,
It's people like you who make it hard to run a serious advice column. If you want to have your little stupid dreams analyzed and talk about your smutty sex fetishes, go to a tarot card reader, or some television psychologist, like Bill Cosby. But if you want to talk about serious problems and not buying Jello Pudding, I'll be here, waiting.

Mr. Dr. Josh,
I'm having trouble sticking to my diet! What can I do? - Overweight Lardass

Dear Lardass,
Well, I'm not really that kind of doctor. The good news is, I'll give you free advice anyway!

You should plan on not eating for several days at one time. You may have heard of these famous "carb-cutting" diets, and they do have the right idea, but there is one area where they fail: they still allow you to consume some food, and food is directly responsible for adding weight to your body. What these fat cat doctors don't want you to know is that you can actually go for several days without eating any food and only drinking some water every now and then, and still be perfectly alive! When you do have to eat, remember to keep your Vomiting Stick handy, which is what we doctors call the thing that you stick in your throat to make you throw your food up after you eat it. Don't let the name fool you -- it doesn't always have to be a stick. Consider your finger, the handle of a long spoon, or the hand of a loved one as other devices.

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