Ask A Real Doctor: Edition 2
Many readers of The Enduring Vision may not realize it, but the founder of this paper -- i.e., me (i.e., the person writing this) -- is a certified doctor in Psychology! That's right, I founded this fine newspaper after a failed bid to become the richest head-doctor on the East Coast. Now, I bring my real brain-medicine-thing to you.
Read on below to see the results of me helping distressed readers.
I have a split-personality. One side is very likeable, fun, and outgoing. Unfortunately, he is also a bastard and an asshole once you see through his fakeness. The other side is labeled an asshole most of the time, but he's actually a very decent person, just trying to do what is right. The good side seems to be winning a bit so far, but I'm not sure how long I can hold out. Please help me! - Tim O'Malley, Sean Evans
Dear Mr. O'Malley and/or Mr. Evans,
Man, that sounds pretty god damned crazy. I wouldn't advise leaving your room any time soon, since you're probably a danger to society with that kind of weird disorder. Man, that's so weird!
Also, the fact that you did not begin your letter by saying, "Dear Dr. Josh" suggests to me that you have some kind of psychological issue that needs to be looked at. I would suggest getting in contact with a psychologist.
Dear Dr. Josh,
I keep waking up with a strange man in my bed every week! I always get the feeling that we may have had sex sometime the night before, but I never have any true recollection of it! I usually have a memory of planning to go out somewhere the night before, but that's where things get hazy. What could be happening to me? - Confused in Colorado
You are probably undergoing some kind of metamorphosis, at the end of which you will turn into a large spider. The males you bring home are the fathers of your hundreds of eggs as well as your dinner, but because your transformation is not yet completed, you do not know what to do with them. The next time you wake up next to some strange man, I would suggest taking a bite out of his chest immediately!
If this does not work, I would advise visiting my home office on a Friday night sometime soon for some further discussion of your case. Please get tested for any sexual transmitted diseases before you come, as psychologists cannot treat patients who have them due to some law that you and anyone you could possibly ask have never heard of.
I am on the Internet almost 12 hours a day between work and home, and I think I may be becoming addicted to it. Can this really happen, or am I just crazy? - Moderately Attractive in Minnesota
No, you're not addicted, but you are crazy, which is a different phenomenon altogether, but still serious. Since your letter did not ask for advice on being crazy, I'm afraid I cannot dispense it at this time.
Lately, my life just doesn't seem worth living anymore. I have been thinking a great deal about suicide. The world is just too full of people who are ugly to each other all day, and I can't take it. Am I being too sensitive, or is this really the answer? - Not Living For Long in Louisiana
Dear Not Living,
I was just thinking about this the other day, because some asshole came saying that I didn't pay the electric bill, and I tried to explain to him that I knew I didn't pay it, and I sent a letter to the electric company explaining to them that I wasn't going to pay it, and that they should consider that their advance notice, but he wanted to shut off my power anyway, and I was like, "Get off my property!" and then he did.
Thanks for listening, that felt good.