I Am Better Than All Of You (Page 3)

Staff member: Alex Thobaben

He seems confused...confused about how much better I am.

#1 Reason why I'm better than him: His last name is ridiculous

That's just the kind of picture I'd expect.

If there is a more difficult-to-pronounce, vomit-inducing, irresponsible last name than “Thobaben”, I'd like to hear it. The first time I heard Alex's last name, I required hospitalization for six weeks as doctors repaired the massive damage done to my eardrums. Besides that, I don't even know what it's supposed to mean. Does he take exception to babens? Is he in a state of thobabing and expressing it in a casual, slang way? Nobody knows, and furthermore, nobody wants to know.


Now let's get on to me. My last name is Righter. It's easy to say, and it describes me perfectly: I am “Righter”, or better, than the other staff members. Especially Alex.

#2 Reason why I'm better than him: He lives in Philadelphia

Philly: for Homosexuals and Denzel

Philadelphia is good for approximately two things: 1.) learning how to throw dice, and 2.) attending sub-standard academic establishments, such as the University of Pennsylvania and Temple University. It should be understandable, therefore, that people who live in such a worthless place are, by consequence, worthless themselves. I'm not saying it's fair, but that's how it is. If Alex were to move out of there, he might become a little better as a person, but while he's there, he's just what Philadelphia is: New York City junior.

#3 Reason why I'm better than him: He runs a stupid website


Let's face it, folks: I Hate You is a terrible place to be. It contains no plot, no Led Zeppelin songs, and very few instances of pie. Writing for it alone would probably be considered some kind of mortal sin by Mel Gibson, but Alex just had to take it one step further: he owns and operates it. Good job, Philly boy. You just turned yourself into a sinner, and a stupid, terrible person besides.

I also invented the Internet.

What websites do I run? Oh, I don't know, maybe a little site called CNN.com? Or ever hear of Google? You're welcome. But while I sit around designing super successful mega-sites practically every day, Alex is stuck here, making webpages that have nothing to do with CNN or Google. It's kind of sad, in a way. In another way, it's hilarious. I win.

All your base are belong to ME.

In conclusion, some religions may tell you that God is out there in the stars, intangible but watching, and some scientists may argue that He's right there in their papers and proofs, a breathtaking work of delicate balance and design. I don't know about any of that , but I do know one thing: the entire staff of I Hate You, even combined, cannot possibly measure up to me. It's okay to cry, guys…as long as you know that you're just making it worse.

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