I Am Better Than All Of You, Part II (Page 2)

Staff member: Scott Borchert

Pictured: the picture Scott DOESN'T WANT YOU TO SEE

#1 Reason why I'm better than him: He has pins coming out of his skull

Gross, Scott.

I will admit that I don't have any actual pictures of Scott Borchert. All I have to go on is how he writes and speaks to me, and how I attempted to psychically draw him on my Etch-A-Sketch one night. And from the way he probably constantly talks about pins and sewing and his head containing a giant magnet, I can only conclude that there are over 50 pins embedded in his brain. Now, I'm not making any judgments against pinheads, here, but wouldn't you agree that someone who did not have any pieces of nerd-like metal in their heads would be better than someone who did?

Look, Ma -- no pins!

That person is me. I have no pins in my head, and therefore am capable of processing much more information, because my brain does not have to work about spokes of metal. In most pictures of me, including the one above, you can tell that I am usually about to say something very witty, or am thinking of ways to be even more awesome. This is partially because there are no pins in my brain.

#2 Reason why I'm better than him: He has the same name as someone else

Remember this guy?

Why, who is that in the above picture? It's someone named Scott, so it must be who we're talking about! These are the kinds of mistakes people make when you are frankly stupid enough to be named exactly like another person. Worse, I still can't be sure that Scott Borchert did not steal the identity of Scott Wagner, which would mean that I actually only have one Scott writing for the site, instead of two. All of this stems from Scott Borchert irritatingly choosing a common name that isn't even very fantastic to begin with.

Best nametag ever.

Being named Josh, on the other hand, guarantees that I am completely unique. There may be some people who claim to be me because they would like some of the privileges that my greatness would bring them, but there has never been anyone who claims to be named Josh and is not trying to be me. That's how great my name is.

#3 Reason why I'm better than him: His movies share a name with a Pat Benatar album

Disclaimer: we all love Pat Benatar.

I've done some research on Scott Borchert, just as I give a background check to all prospective Enduring Vision writers and readers before they are allowed to see the site. I know that he has been in a series of films called "Hellraiser". I also know that Pat Benatar, who was recently banned from ever singing again in over 45 countries, has an album with that same name. Now, I'm not saying that Scott Borchert forced Pat Benatar to name her album after his strange movies, but it does make you think.

Underrated album.

By contrast, my film debut -- 1956's "Reach For The Sky" -- shares a name with Ratt's debut album, widely considered to be the finest of all the Ratt albums. Once again, Scott is outclassed.

« Go back to page 1 | Continue to page 3 »

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: