I Am Better Than All Of You, Part II (Page 3)
Staff member: Jake Novak
#1 Reason why I'm better than him: His brain has long been frozen over
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing really wrong with disgustingly smooth, shiny bald heads. In fact, there have been people who became moderately successful without hair, including Dick Cheney, and a serial killer I once saw on the news. But sadly, people without hair run the risk of their brains freezing, a condition that occurs when one eats ice cream too fast and there is no hair on the head to rapidly warm the brain back up again. Jake enjoys ice cream, and now, as a result, he also enjoys Teletubbies.
Bad news for Jake: this is the shortest my hair has ever been, and it is still luxuriously long. If anything, it keeps my brain too warm while I eat ice cream. Just kidding, it doesn't. It's perfect. I was just trying to make Jake feel a little better.
#2 Reason why I'm better than him: He lives in New York
New York City is good for approximately one thing: having the biggest most extravagant McDonald's in America. Hey, thanks, Jake! You and your precious city are causing this country to be obese. I saw it all in that Supersize Me movie. Jake was there, laughing in the background, as that poor man just got fatter and fatter. Laugh at this, Jake: the "S" in that sign is burned out. This is the hallmark of a terrible city.
Here's a shot of my house. In case you couldn't tell because you've gone blind with type two diabetes, it's the Batcave. There are no McDonald's restaurants in the Batcave, because I am too busy driving cars around in blue light to bother with that kind of stuff. And if I did want a McDonald's in there, Alfred would run it, and no lights would go out in the sign. New York and Jake just can't compete.
#3 Reason why I'm better than him: He works for CNN
CNN is probably the worst company in the world. Its main rival, Haliburton, constantly gets more contracts for building things, leaving CNN scrambling to feed on the scraps of its secondary purpose, news reporting. In fact, if it weren't for the news, CNN would probably be out of business by now.
Meanwhile, I write for The Enduring Vision, which gets contracts for nation-building all the time and reports pertinent news. The EV also routinely beats Fox News in the ratings, which is more than CNN can muster. This would be sad for Jake if it wasn't so awesome for me.
For five years, I have grappled with the problem of proving myself better than the website I created. And now, thanks to the staff members who make the site what it is today, I have my answer: attack the staff members. Attack and win. That humping was on me, boys. The next one's going to cost you.