How To Tell Your Lover "It's Over"
Valentine's Day may be a time for giving your significant other and/or the person you are currently sleeping with candy, but few people know that it is also an excellent time to break up with someone. Think about it: if someone is expecting you to be nice to them on Valentine's Day, and then you actually just break up with them, they won't care too much, because they were expecting something good. It's just proven psychology.
Of course, telling your lover that you don't want to mash your genitalia into theirs anymore is very difficult no matter what time of year it is, unless it's Valentine's Day, in which case it's incredibly easy. What follows is a list of things that I, Josh, owner of a mega-popular website and a few Holiday Inns, have said to my mates of Christmas Past in order to get rid of them for one reason (I wanted to change the channel but the remote was under their leg a little) or another (I felt they were interfering with my quest to build a perpetual motion machine). Just do one of the following actions, and you'll be well on your way to lonely Friday night masturbating in almost no time at all:
1.) Give her roses with a small dark red spot on one of them
Sure, a dozen roses means "I expect oral sex tonight," but a eleven regular roses and one with a dark red spot approximately 1 millimeter in diameter that you drew on with colored pencil means, "You are the worst thing in the universe." If your girlfriend or boyfriend continues acting affectionate to you even after you do this, then celebrate: that means you've successfully broken up, but they still want to be friends with benefits.
2.) Create fun "Let's Break Up" board game
Dull the pain by masking it in a crazy, wacky board game. Include cards that have pictures of your fond memories, a "Pot" in the middle of the board with notes and gifts you gave each other (winner takes it all!), and a cardboard cutout of "Larry Nerdsy", the totally uncool dweeb that the loser of the game will get stuck with! Bonus tip: get his/her parents to play for maximum fun.
3.) Prepare a delicious dinner, but cut a hole in the plate for your wang
After you've done this, remove the lid as you take the plate over to your girlfriend and her family and announce that you are having Penis du Jour for dinner. Girls without penises: you can still do this, but replace "cut a hole in the plate" with "throw plate of hot food".