How To Tell Your Lover "It's Over" (Page 2)


4.) Use "We're Breaking Up" greeting card

Who doesn't like cards?

Yes, there are greeting cards for this. There must be, considering they have them for events like "Your First Job Interview" and "Congratulations On Your Recent Erection". Anyway, if they don't have them, simply create one yourself. Consider something catchy, yet tasteful, such as "You remind me of why I wish that accident would've killed me."

5.) Explain that you have AIDS

Disclaimer: AIDS is not fun and you should not get it.

If you don't actually have AIDS, you may want to consider getting it, especially if you are a bad liar. Caution: beware of kind-hearted boyfriends/girlfriends, who may attempt to stay with you in spite of your disease. If this occurs, keep rubbing your blood on them until they eventually freak out and leave.

6.) Eat him/her

Looks deeeelish!

For most couples, one person eating the other is a definitive sign that the relationship has come to an end. This also provides you with valuable sustenance to fuel future romantic endeavors. Be sure to wait until your lover is suitably digested before going on dates, as they may hear what's going on in their partially-living state inside your stomach and shout at you, causing your new date to panic.

7.) Get married

I hear wedding bells! But I always hear bells.

The only completely surefire way to break up (well, the eating is pretty surefire, but besides that) is to get married, since a marriage will inevitably result in divorce at some point or another. If you are patient but wise, like Mr. Miyagi or Patrick from Spongebob, this option is for you.

Of course, if you're like me, you'll never have to use any of these, since if you're awesome enough you can just keep adding girlfriends on to old ones until you have like 50 of them. Coming, bitches.

Josh is the owner and Editor-In-Chief of The Enduring Vision. Since this article was originally published, he tells us he has acquired "like 100 more girlfriends".

« Go back to page 1

In Other News

U.S.
Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

U.S.
Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

Sports
LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Politics
Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

Video
The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Letters
Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

World
U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

U.S.
BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Health
Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:

twitter

HumorFeed

The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills:

--------------------