How To Tell Your Lover "It's Over" (Page 2)
4.) Use "We're Breaking Up" greeting card
Yes, there are greeting cards for this. There must be, considering they have them for events like "Your First Job Interview" and "Congratulations On Your Recent Erection". Anyway, if they don't have them, simply create one yourself. Consider something catchy, yet tasteful, such as "You remind me of why I wish that accident would've killed me."
5.) Explain that you have AIDS
If you don't actually have AIDS, you may want to consider getting it, especially if you are a bad liar. Caution: beware of kind-hearted boyfriends/girlfriends, who may attempt to stay with you in spite of your disease. If this occurs, keep rubbing your blood on them until they eventually freak out and leave.
6.) Eat him/her
For most couples, one person eating the other is a definitive sign that the relationship has come to an end. This also provides you with valuable sustenance to fuel future romantic endeavors. Be sure to wait until your lover is suitably digested before going on dates, as they may hear what's going on in their partially-living state inside your stomach and shout at you, causing your new date to panic.
7.) Get married
The only completely surefire way to break up (well, the eating is pretty surefire, but besides that) is to get married, since a marriage will inevitably result in divorce at some point or another. If you are patient but wise, like Mr. Miyagi or Patrick from Spongebob, this option is for you.
Of course, if you're like me, you'll never have to use any of these, since if you're awesome enough you can just keep adding girlfriends on to old ones until you have like 50 of them. Coming, bitches.
Josh is the owner and Editor-In-Chief of The Enduring Vision. Since this article was originally published, he tells us he has acquired "like 100 more girlfriends".