Welcome To The Ranks Of The Unemployed

Pictured: some guy being out of work

Have you recently parted ways with the oppressive establishment in order to lead a more fulfilling life? If you answered yes, no, you haven't. You're just out of work. Welcome!

In this new feature, I, Dr. Richard Black, will help new initiates and old hands alike as they navigate through the pitfalls of our nation's burgeoning welfare state.

Filling The Hours

Those of you new to the ranks may have a somewhat skewed view of your new employment status. In fact, you've probably at least once thought to yourself, "Well, gee, now I'll have time to become the expert yodeller I've always wanted to be! Or perhaps I will read a great deal, and become so smart that I'll someday be re-hired just out of principle!" These aspirations are true, as long as you replace them with "I think I'll spend the bulk of my hours watching daytime television, which will be my undoing."

From this point on, there are only two paths. In the first, you eventually pass out, face first, in a bowl of cold creamed corn, and spend the rest of your days in a long-term care facility. The second has you returning to the workforce after passing out in a bowl of creamed corn, but only after irreparable damage has been done to your brain. Fortunately, you're a highly-paid financial executive, and nobody notices.

As strong as the temptation is, your tenure at Unemployed, Inc. doesn't have to be this way. I've devised a few simple rules to help each and every one of you circumvent these pitfalls while laying the groundwork for a long and unfruitful unemployment.

1.) Start Drinking Immediately

Pictured: hot action.
Above: this could totally happen to you if you drank more.

There are many theories about how the unemployed should fill the hours, most of them dealing with some kind of misguided attempt at self-improvement. But think about it: doesn't "self-improvement" sound an awful lot like "work you assign yourself that you don't get paid for"? That's because it is, and remember, you're out of work.

For this reason, I recommend that you instead engage in a rigorous three month bout of highly-structured drinking.

The fact is that you're not going to accomplish anything of value anyway during this period of time (nor should you), so you might as well enjoy it. The regular consumption of large amounts of alcohol will allow you to wile away the time while shielding you from the effects of your inevitable descent into depression, especially after you realize you're an alcoholic.

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