Welcome To The Ranks Of The Unemployed (Page 2)

2.) Befriend The Homeless

Pictured: hello there!
Above: say hello to Fucking Pete, your new most trusted advisor.

Given your new employment status, now is an excellent time to befriend the homeless. In addition to providing you with a mentor for the hard times ahead, your homeless companion can act as a reference point with which to...reference…your inexorable social and financial decline.

Select your homeless companion with care. Take a lesson from the many reality television shows you've no doubt grown accustomed to watching, in which the best person for the job is carefully chosen through a series of arbitrarily-judged competitions. Encourage contestants to walk over crabs or sing a song about you and your life, then whittle them down to the cream of the crop. I've found somewhere between three and five undesirables to be an optimum number from which to make a selection.

The final decision can be made in public to make it more fun. I'd encourage you to select a venue that provides a number of exits, say a secluded park or a seedy alley between two large streets. Feel free to engage an audience if you've deemed that others should help you come to a decision. I'd also suggest that you consider your finalist's grooming preferences, preferred inebriant, current dwelling, street reputation and understanding of the current geopolitical environment when making your selection.

3.) Buy A Firearm

Pictured: a modest gun.
Above: this gun is attached to a boat, but you could easily take it off and walk around with it.

Given the number of undesirables who have recently made your acquaintance, it's probably time to buy a gun. Make it big, make it loud, and if you can find a bayonet for the end, so much the better.

Besides your own personal safety, why a gun? Keep the old saying in mind: guns will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no guns. What this means is that if push comes to shove, you can file the serial numbers off your guns and sell them on the black market at a profit.

You can also use a gun to shoot at the television if it makes you angry, which it inevitably will. You can't spend 14 hours a day for six months with something and not get mad at it.

Select a weapon with which you feel comfortable, but be certain to consider the pros and cons of each type of firearm. Shotguns are excellent for home or alley defense, but tend to draw unwanted attention when carried openly in public. Conversely, pistols and revolvers may be worn inconspicuously, but are quite difficult to operate with a bayonet.

Whatever your final selection may be, I would be remiss if I failed to mention a word or two about firearm safety.

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