EV @ The Movies: Dave Chappelle's Block Party

Pictured: the guest reviewer, Scott "The Party" Morgan

Duderoos and duderees, if there's one thing on this great planet I am a fan of besides partying hardying, it's Chappelle's Show on Comedy Central. All that guy needs to do to get me rolling on the floor harder than when I drank too much beer (trick statement, loser, there's never too much beer! Haha, except for when I had to go to the hospital) is say one of his hilarious, witty catch-phrases: "I'm Rick James, bitch!" Man, I could barely even type that because I'm laughing so hard thinking about it. When I'm done here I'm going to go run up to my roommate and tell him, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" He'll never expect it.

So you can imagine, fellow partyteers, that I was pretty pumped up (like a keg! Oh man, beer burn) to see Dave Chappelle's Block Party. I've seen some of his stand-up before and was a little bit nervous because he never said that he was Rick James in it, and I was afraid that this would carry in to the movie. But I knew that couldn't be true -- it's like when the freshman girls say no. You know what they really mean is, "Hell yes, The Party, I need more beer and you're the coolest super super super super super senior I've ever met." Dave Chappelle had to say he was Rick James in his own movie. Based on this, I forked over my $9.50...good beer money, but I knew it would be worth it to hear him say that on the big screen with all those speakers around me.

But guess what? Dave Chappelle did not say he was Rick James. That's right, dudes: an entire movie with Dave Chappelle and he did not once say the only thing that people like him for. The Party is a cool dude, but even The Party (that's me, I'm The Party on account of I bring The Party!) was pretty pissed off about this. Dave Chappelle without a Rick James impression is like a party without me -- you just can't do it! That's why I try my best to be at every party in the United States, and as far as I know I usually succeed, since most of the country's parties are at my college (how could there be any anywhere else without me, and no I'm not counting nerd videogame computer parties! Haha, I'd be out of there faster than a dedicated 100Mbps Ethernet connection!). But Dave Chappelle was not trying, buds. Haha, marijuana.

Pictured: an artist's conception of the movie
Above: what the movie should have looked like

Here's what even worse, though: instead of spending time to tell us he was Rick James (and maybe a new character just for the movie, like Bill Clinton or something) he showed a bunch of rap bands. Now dudes, I wouldn't be worthy of my nickname that I try and make everyone call me if I didn't have a good taste in rap, and I own downloaded MP3's and ringtones of all the good rap stars, like 50 Cent and The Black Eyed Peas. But here's some of the rappers from the movie: "Dead Prez" (like there's JFK or something up on the stage, I mean WTF?). "Mos Def" (actors can rap now?). "The Roots" (gardening is for non-partyers, man). The Party is always up for new shit (like Bud instead of Miller for a change), but these rappers were not good. No mention of clubs, hot sexy lovin', pimping out in cool rides -- basically everything rap stands for! It'd be like me, The Party, showing up for a party and talking about politics and stuff. I wouldn't be called The Party for too much longer if I did that, let me tell you dudes! My new name would probably be Dave Chappelle! OH SNAP.

Of course, I saw on the Internet that all the critics love this Rick James-less movie, which is so typical for movie critics. None of them are into partying, which skews their tastes and sense of what's good. I'm going to list some movies way better than Chappelle's bore-o-rama right now and see how you like them: How High. Van Wilder. House Party 3. Cinematic classics that all the critics hate! These guys need to learn a thing or two about partying, and it doesn't involve Dave Chappelle standing in front of the camera saying, "Blah blah, I'm never saying the Rick James joke because I sold out to Hollywood."

The Party may not be in showbiz, but I'm about as popular as a major Hollywood star on account of my partying, and there's one thing I've learned: once you've done something that people like, you need to stick with that forever. Otherwise, I'd probably be a nuclear scientist or something right now, instead of still being The King of the Party (an alternate nickname that you can call me, or "Your Highness of Partying" for short) after all these years. What's next, Dave Chappelle's Math Contest? Probably, dudes. That's probably his next movie, and if you're thinking about seeing it anyway because he might bring back the Rick James joke, I have news for you: Rick James isn't math. Well, he might be -- I wouldn't know because I totally cut my math class this year (haha, nice). But even if he is the answer to a fraction, Dave Chappelle would never say it, because he hates the hardcore fans like me, who have been with him ever since the middle of the Chappelle's Show episode where he says Rick James.

This hurts, Dave. Good thing that The Party doesn't have any feelings, except the feeling to Party! I'M RICK JAMES, BITCH!

Overall Rating: F-----

Thanks to our guest reviewer, Scott "The Party" Morgan. You can read more of his thoughts on various wordly matters in our Editorials section.

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