EV @ The Movies: Freddy VS. Jason
Since the dawn of humankind, man has been searching for his purpose on this earth. Some have suggested completing tasks to serve some kind of higher power, while others postulated that the meaning of life was simply to attain happiness and contentment. And while these ideas were good, they were also stupid, pointless, and very, very wrong.
How do I know this? I went to the movies this past weekend, my friends, and it was there that I witnessed man's purpose in life, lighting up before my stunned eyes in two hours of glory. That's right, I am talking about the greatest achievement ever known to humans: Freddy VS. Jason.
"Fucking mind-blowingly orgasmically holy sanctifiably incredible fucking shit" cannot even begin to describe this opus of intellectual achievement. Though humans have admittedly wasted their cinematic efforts before on such intellectually empty efforts as "2001: A Stupid, Shitty Odyssey", all was forgiven to the 100th power as soon as the opening credits, rendered incredibly in a scary-looking blood-font, flashed on the screen. I, along with the rest of the audience, gasped; we knew that we were witnessing the greatest thing ever.
The story began unfolding, showing us flashes from previous Nightmare On Elm Street films -- all good movies, undoubtedly, but none holding a candle to this magnificent achievement. As I marveled at the setup of Freddy luring Jason out of his resting place to restore his memory, I couldn't help but draw comparisons to the Bible, and the Resurrection of Jesus. The difference is that Jesus was a pitiful, insignificant speck of dust compared to these two true Christ figures. God does exist, but he did not waste his time with his weak son, who did not even possess a hand with razor-sharp knives or a large blade for lopping off his opponents heads. Instead, He set to work encouraging man to create the true Bible.
With the story moving right along, I couldn't imagine anything getting even one iota better. But it was at that point that the dialogue of the gods reached my ears, and rendered them perfect just for hearing the sweet nectar. Lines like "Oh yeah, fuck me, baby," and "Shut up, bitch," danced on my eardrums like sweet fairies, whispering to me that I should kill myself upon leaving the theatre, because my life could not possibly improve any more. I had hit a high point. From now on, everything will be downhill. When I hear my loved ones talk, I will not be able to keep from thinking, "Why, oh why can't they speak with the eloquence of the characters in the movie? Curse the gods for tempting me with a glimpse of utopian perfection, but forbidding me to experience it in real life!"
Finally, at the movie's final scene displaying Freddy's severed head winking at the camera, I exploded into ecstasy, crying out compulsively and needing to run out of the theatre, gasping for breath. How else does one react to the single most greatest sight ever to be seen? I no longer envy astronauts who have seen the earth from space; their eyes are nowhere near as blessed as mine. I have seen Freddy Krueger wink at me. Nothing can ever, ever top that.
I broke up with my girlfriend today, and sold all of my possessions. I do not need them anymore. All I kept was a television, a DVD player, and some candles to meditate on, and pray for the release of Freddy VS. Jason on video. At that point, I will watch it repeatedly, and experience heaven on earth. If you do not see this movie immediately, you should kill yourself, because you are a worthless human being.
Overall rating: A+