EV @ The Movies: Paparazzi

I attempted to see a screening of this movie, but failed, because I suddenly found myself being chased by the PAPARAZZI!

"Whoa, hey, who are you guys?" I shouted as they raced beside me, intentionally ramming into me and almost blowing all kinds of things up, and other very common paparazzi antics that you see every day.

"We're the paparazzi, hail Satan we love thee!" snarled the driver of one of the cars, his long, lizard-like tongue stretching out and eagerly trying to lick my soul right out of my face. "And we're out to kill you!"

"But why would you want to kill me?" I said fearfully, making my car do like ten flips but still not evading them.

"Because your picture is only worth anything when you're dead!" they said. "BY US!"

It was then that I realized the horrible truth: the paparazzi were unstoppable killing machines who were above the law somehow. Their sole purpose was to take my picture over and over until I died, and then they would take it some more and laugh, and drink my blood to fuel their Demon-powered bodies. I remembered with a sinking heart that they did this to other celebrities like Marlon Brando and Bob Hope, and that I would soon be next on their long list of famous people fatalities.

"Whatever, jerks," I said, driving faster still. "Just leave my family alone."

"Nope, we're taking their pictures too!" they said, and laughed in a high-pitched manner that caused any sweet-looking puppies nearby to explode. "Hopefully we'll kill them eventually!"

I didn't know how they could do that with only their cameras, but I didn't want to stick around to find out, so I drove through a bunch of conveniently-placed empty boxes and trash cans to try and lose them. Still they hung on, even as the boxes and cans exploded, because they weren't empty after all, but filled with explosives and gasoline!

"Now we've got you!" said the paparazzi, and they transformed into Mothra, and tried to pick me up in their giant mandibles! I didn't see how I was going to get out of it, and that seemed like the end...

...when finally, I woke up in a cold sweat. That's right, it was all one wacky, crazy dream. Of course the real world doesn't have paparazzi who try and kill you, and it doesn't have a movie that tries to suggest that, either. And even if it did, why would Mel Gibson get anywhere near it? He...oh. Oh, God.

Overall Rating: F--------------------------

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