Lord Of The Rings And Ninja Turtles: Radical Ring Power (Part VI)

Pictured: copyright-fraudilicious art for our upcoming book.

XVI. Is Shredder Up To No Good?
There stood Shredder, holding the ring of Powah. The gang -- Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Raphael, April the now completely n*ked reporter, Master Splinter, Casey Jones, Frodo, Sam, Gollum, Gandalf, Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and the decomposing remains of old Ron Weasley -- stood around him, waiting to see what he was going to say.

"He's probably just here to party hardy!" suggested Michelangelo, listening to cool rap music on a giant boombox next to his head. "But remember, kids: when you're partying with your friends, you never have to say yes to drugs or alcohol."

"I bet you learned that from the nice police officer who came to your school, Officer Samuel," remarked Frodo, wondering when Gollum would bring the ring back from Shredder polishing it for him. "He was a nice man!"

"MISSAH FRODA, MAH NAME IS SAM TOO!" shouted Sam, dancing for nickels from everyone but not getting many. "AIN'T DAT A BIT OF A COINKYDINK NAW!"

"Oh, go eat a potato, Sam!" Raphael joked, and everyone laughed, including Shredder, because it was funny since Sam really did like potatoes, like how he said that in Lord of the Rings.

"This is no time for potatoes, shut up everyone," Leonardo admonished, stringing several small potatoes together and storing them in Michelangelo's turtle compartment for later. "Shredder, are you here to help us?"

"Wait, everyone!" Donatello shouted, remembering to carry the one and add i before c as he looked at his calculations. "I've scientifically figured out what Gollum plans to do with the ring!"

"Well, let's have it, D-man!" April whispered, washing a car but getting all wet in the process. "I'm writing an article!"

"I am taking the ring!" Shredder hissed.

"He's giving it to Shredder!" Donatello yelled. Everyone gasped!

XVII. Harry Potter Is Finally Dead
"Donatello, you must double check your calculations carefully!" advised Gandolf, using electricity to make Hermione 18 years old. "You must be sure about this, because we would not want to blame Gollum if he was only trying to help get Frodo's ring shiny!"

"I'll distract Shredder, I will!" yelled old Ron Weasley, who had been brought back to life by the power of Harry's love. "Malifarcum...Petronas...Klingon!" But the spell backfired and killed Harry Potter!

"HARRY!" cried Casey Jones, using his hockey skills to quickly skate over. "I always liked Lord of the Rings better, but still!"

"Yes, Harry, we all always liked Lord of the Rings better," Raphael joked, for once not joking at all. "In a way, we're all glad you're dead."

"I know what this calls for," Michelangelo shouted, a large grin forming on his face and pizza appearing in his hands. "A PARTY!"

Everyone began to boogie, and Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice began playing in the sky. All of the turtles had perfect ninja rapping dance moves. Even Gandalf got into the action by doing a cool freestyle rap with Vanilla Ice.

"My name is Gandalf
And I'm here to say
These turtles rock
In a powerful way!
Turtles! Four!
They always want more
They will someday
If you do crime!
So don't do the time
If you can't do the crime!
Whoa nelly!"

But as the rhymes were being busted and April was showing Hermione how to be a lady, nobody saw Shredder coming up to the party...coming up to do no good.

XVIII. Help from a friend
Shredder slowly strolled over to the party. The rapping and music stopped suddenly and with a "SKREEEET" sound like the needle being taken off a record. Suddenly it was completely silent.

"Hey, dudes," hissed Shredder in a mean way so that you knew you shouldn't listen to him. "I have something that'll really help you party." Then he opened his hand to show beers and marijuanas.

"What's that, candy?" asked old Ron Weasley, coming over to take some. "I love candy!"

"It's some kind of chemical compound," frowned Donatello, typing furiously on his satellite computer uplink to space, "but what?"

"Hang on, boys!" boomed a voice, and suddenly Officer Samuel flew in on Falcor's ghost!

"Wha-wha-what?" Shredder shrieked. "Who is this clown, anyway?"

"Only your worst nightmare, and the worst nightmare of drugs and alcohol," scowled Officer Samuel, being nice to everyone and giving you a treat if you answered one of his questions right. "Now take a hike!"

"Fine, chickens," Shredder shouted, running away. "I'll party on my own!"

"Boy, we're not the chickens -- he's a turkey!" roared Raphael, and everyone was rolling on the ground laughing. But one person was not laughing: Donatello.

"I feel like Shredder had something besides just those drugular compounds," he frowned, digging through the dirt to try and find his computer printouts. "And it just might be some kind of ring!"

« Go back to Part V | Continue to Part VII »

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