Letters: April 20, 2009

We're back to answer your letters after a little break, which was caused by an unusually large batch of people threatening to come through the internet and punch us. During this time, we received approximately 624 letters; below are those that are legal to print.

Worms, Computers, And You.

yeah they ll do worms on mac when 80% of users will be on it.. until then.. sit back and enjoy the unpopular products and his "inconvenience"! - mick

Josh: I bet a lot of Mac users are disappointed that their computers are not prolific enough to get all the good malware. It's like a girl with lots of STDs: you know she only has them because of how awesomely popular she is!

Can You Pluralize 'Vagina' Simply By Adding An 'S'? Read On!

Let's be honest, you didn't have a letters section this week because you were waiting for "the one," i.e. a letter from me. Therefore, I will have mercy on you and write to acknowledge that I check the EV somewhere between 12 and 54 times each day even though I know when to expect the next update. Perhaps this Twitter business will entertain me as I slave over dusty books in my quest to become EV's in house counsel. I see there's already a headline about shrunken vaginas, so it looks promising. Keep up the good work! P.S. The spell checker for your comments window doesn't recognize the plural of vagina. Weird. - Walt Hack, Esq.

Josh: I appreciate the Twitter plug, Walt, but I fear it's in vain, as we currently have only three followers. Perhaps we made a mistake by having our first headline focus on vaginas, since apparently most people on Twitter are.

Fatty Fatty Two By Four.

Was that supposed to be funny? It wasn't. - cynth

Josh: Diet and exercise -- keep at it, you'll get there!

And Now, A Serious Medical Query.

I have been pooping lately. Why is this happening? - Poopy Peter

Dr. Josh: Peter, pooping is merely your body's natural response to any kind of food intake. If you find yourself pooping, you're most likely disgustingly fat, which is why I'd recommend an immediate cessation of all your eating-related activities. Look at a beautiful thin person on television. Can you imagine them pooping? You probably can't, because obviously, they never do.

Jesus Sends One Of His Henchmen To Rough Us Up (Verbally).

I was greatly disappointed in your article mocking the discussion of Jesus on Easter. What is it with you guys? Don't you even realize what the season is about? Without Jesus, we'd never have the peace on earth we enjoy today. So thank the great Zombie Jesus for our good fortune, you heathen bastards! It tells us in chapter 5, Book 4 of "Tales from The Crypt: The Rise of the Zombie Jesus", of His rising from the grave in the dead and killing all the evil people in the world in a single night. With his bare, decaying hands wrapped around their throats, he told each and every one of them, "Forgive you my ass...you know EXACTLY what you did!" And of how he paid Pilate a visit the very night of his crucifiction and impaled him with the same nine inch nails they used to crucify him. Children need to know these stories to understand that they're saved...and that Zombie Jesus will rise from the grave and kill them if they're bad. You guys are just going to Hell, you know that? Fortunately for you, they DO have a decent buffet. - Bubba Budda

Josh: At first, I was scared of your letter, but as I read it, I found it surprisingly educational. Did everyone else know that Christianity was so cool?

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

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