Letters: August 3, 2009

Hey everyone, we're...WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! Does this edition really mark some kind of return to a weekly letters update? We can hardly believe our eyes. You should all be proud for sending letters that parsed into at least a basic form of English. Now, let's see what they say...

More Differences Between The Negroid And The Caucasoid.

A Black man inpersonating a distinguished White professor? Preposterous! There are three reasons that'll never happen:

1) The requirement by White society to occasionally eat mayo in public would bust his facade after he projectile vomitted his BLT across the table.

2) There would most certainly be a breech of security in pubic bathrooms. Shaking his penis side-to-side against the walls of the urinal would be a sure give away.

3) Last but not least, no self-respecting Black professor pretending to be White could endure teaching at a punk-ass Ivy League University like Harvard. Yale is the only University with any real balls. Teaching at Harvard would drive a Black professor mad, possibly enraged enough to pop a cap, but you've got to be in a generally good mood to talk about a White cop's mama to his face. Admit it, that's what White people do all the time.

So, my contention is this guy wasn't pretendinn to be White. He WAS White. All this press about him being Black is what's pissing him off. - Kilroy

Josh: One problem with your theory: if he really was white, what were the police doing at his house, when any number of black men were out roaming the streets at that very moment? You sound like an immigrant sympathizer to me.

We've Been Found Out!

So, what's up with the fascination with Quakertown? Just wondering..... - Dan

Josh: As we get more and more of our old news archives back online, you may notice a number of stories taking place in this mystical town. The reason is that many years ago, one or more members of our staff were lucky enough to live there. All we'll say is that Quakertown is most definitely what Sarah Palin would call a place in Real America.

Not As Silly A Question As It First Seems...

Is this for real? - Colonoics Lover

Josh: As much as I'd like to ridicule this letter, that story is based on a true fact: someone really did get the idea to sue because Janet Jackson practically had a live breasterectomy during the Super Bowl. It's where I got the idea for my pending lawsuit against every single disgusting breast-feeding woman I've seen in public areas.

Okay, Let's Talk About Phalli For A Moment.

How delightful. It pleases me immensely that straight men are beginning to appreciate the Phalli of others. It is, as I always say, right to give thanks and praise. The Phallus is an enduring beauty. Always, - Mrs. Candy xxx

Josh: I wonder if anyone would have sued if Justin Timberlake's penis exposed itself at the Super Bowl? I guess it would depend on whether or not urine was coming out of it. I forget where I was going with this.

A Prominent Rapper Weighs In On The Current Events Of 2004.

Tell this bitch to go straight to hell. This lady just lost her brother and all you americans can think about is getting revenge on someone. It was a man ran across national tv naked, and I believe that they made a joke of it the next day cause he wa white. - Lil Wayne

Josh: Well, Mr. Wayne, maybe Janet Jackson should have thought of the fact that her brother would be dead in five years before she sexually flashed the entire world.

A Shameless Plug...But We Like It!

I wrote an app called TaseMeBro along this premise. Check it out for just $0.99 on the App Store: http://www.itunes.com/apps/tasemebro - Jonathan Sterling

Josh: That's awesome! I'm glad we could inspire the app (even if we didn't, I'm pretending that we did), and if Apple could go ahead and send me a couple of iPhones, I'd be delighted to write an official review of it. In the meantime, please start working on "Socially Awkward Hero".

How About A Logical Fallacy To Go Out On?

Call me crazy if you want but a conspeicy theorist i think not. This is a theory unless there is proof to prove it wrong. You know like a leagal birth cert. and medical records visa recourds collage records. As soon as those are made public according to the law. Then the "Theory" can be defused, but until then this "Theory" is more like fact. - SHAM

Josh: It's like that saying: "The absence of evidence means it's true forever."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: