AIDS Causes Porno Industry To Grind To A Halt; Situation Deemed 'Worst U.S. Crisis Ever'
"This is a nation in the grip of a sorrow deeper than the deepest of oceans, more formidable than the highest of mountains, more crushing than a gigantic rock which has fallen on your toes, more horrific than September 11th, Pearl Harbor, and the ending of Baywatch combined."
These are the words that some of the more dramatic-minded citizens of the United States may have said on the fateful day of April 22nd, 2004, after observing the almost universal despair that followed the announcement that nearly all the pornography studios in the United States were shutting down until at least June due to HIV concerns.
In a press conference on Thursday, The Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation announced that veteran adult performer Darren James had tested positive for HIV, and in the wake of this announcement, the pornography industry set a two-month moratorium on all adult film production, causing many citizens whose sex lives depended on the impersonal and easily-attainable wonders of video pornography to experience feelings of extreme depression and sexual frustration.
The EV caught up with one such person, an obvious pornography addict Daniel Young, perched on the window sill of a 14-story building in downtown Pittsburgh.
"None of the horrifying events currently playing out on the national stage, many of which are perpetrated by my very own nation, have managed to affect me, as long as my solitary solace of internet pornography was available, be it in VHS, DVD, or even digital format," Young said, wavering precariously on his small perch. "But now that no new pornography will be available for at least two months, I find slings and arrows of bad fortune incredibly harder to bear."
Young said his decision to commit suicide was solidified when he saw a picture of adult film director and actress Shay Sights leaving the HIV-testing clinic.
"Her magnificent triple-D breasts were swathed in a somber and unrevealing black shirt, and her gorgeous and rumored infinitely-expansive vagina, which I have seen consume no less than four dildos and the head of a small-statured man, were covered entirely in black pants of the same somber character as her shirt," Young said, struggling to hold back tears as he recounted the sight of his favorite porn star, fully clothed.
He then lost his footing and fell fourteen stories to his death on the street below.
President Bush also plans to address the matter, his top advisors report.
"The President is fully aware of this crisis, and intends to dedicate as much time to researching pornography as possible," said one advisor close to the White House.
The unnamed advisor then called over the President's speech-writers and became engaged in a heated discussion with them over whether it was more appropriate to say "anal penetration" or "in through the back door".
Another unnamed advisor told The EV, "As a result of this, the administration will supplement the paltry three million given in aid to Africa to help combat AIDS. We're reluctant to siphon funds away from the Iraq war -- erm, I mean, peace-keeping mission -- but I guess some people think this is somehow more important."
Reports also indicate the President is also considering giving aid to more clinics, as any that give abortions have been exempt from aid so far.
"Don't worry, the President isn't wavering in his beliefs -- he still believes clinics that deal with the lives of women don't deserve any funding for safer conditions or lower costs," the advisor added hastily. "He just wants porno back, is all."
But until then, many can only hope that something will supplement the dangerous drought of pornography soon to descend over the nation.
"Maybe Indian porn can fill the holes we now have," someone walking down the street said.
The nation can only hope. And pray.