Correct Religion Revealed
In an announcement that many are calling the most significant in the span of humanity's existence, God descended from Heaven today to announce, once and for all, the correct set of beliefs that one must follow in order to gain acceptance into His golden kingdom in the afterlife.
"Since the dawn of your existence on this earth," God said, "you humans have debated over which religion was correct. You have had countless wars over this question. Millions upon millions have died because no one was sure which way to worship."
God added that He was "partially" to blame for this confusion.
"I suppose I haven't been quite as clear as I could've been in demonstrating the correct way to worship Me," He said grudgingly, quickly adding that we "should've known anyway".
"Nonetheless," God continued, "I grow tired of this conflict. That is why today, I've decided to tell all of you what the correct religion is. There will be no more fighting over what one must do in order to please Me. I will tell all of you what the correct belief system is, and you can either choose to abide by it, or spend your afterlife in hell."
God paused for effect for a moment, and then announced the correct religion.
"The right way to live your life," God said, "is to be Amish."
Smiling at the stunned silence, God continued.
"Yes, that's right. In all of your wars and clashes, becoming Amish has never occurred to any of you, has it? Well, it occurred to Me, you can bet your hat on that. And now all of you know: any one who does not adopt the Amish lifestyle of forsaking electricity and other modern conveniences will go directly to hell, no questions asked."
God also made it very clear that continuing to carry on in a different religion would not be tolerated.
"I don't care if you're reading the Koran, or the Bible, or what have you," He said. "If you're not Amish, you're going to hell. I'm saying it plain as day."
God then ascended back into the clouds, leaving many to ponder His words; some religious leaders have already come forth with their take on the Almighty's speech.
"I think it's important that we do not take God literally," said the Reverend Jesse Jackson. "To a Christian such as myself, it's obvious that when he says 'Amish', he metaphorically means, 'Protestant'."
"The Bible is not taken literally," agreed famed preacher Jerry Falwell. "Hell, if it was, we'd all be running around believing that the sun revolves around the Earth. So it's pretty obvious to me that God really didn't mean what he said about all that Amish crap."
The Pope was contacted for his opinion on the matter, but the leader of the Catholic faith seemed slightly disjointed in his remarks, something that many attribute to his growing age.
"Washing the towels on the grass is best," he said, drooling profusely. "Any other way is the path of the devil."