Area Man Celebrates St. Patrick's Day With Alcohol Poisoning, Death
Quakertown, PA resident Arnie Taylor brought what many are calling the "ultimate St. Patrick's Day celebration" to O'Reilly's, a pub that is part of a chain throughout the region, when he collapsed on the floor in an advanced state of alcohol poisoning, eventually dying a few minutes later as onlookers cheered and poured green beer on his face.
Max Schwartz, the owner and original founder of O'Reilly's, expressed his surprised delight that the celebration went "so well".
"I think I speak for all of us blokes here at O'Reilly's when I say how enthused I am that Mr. Taylor observed this holiday so jubilantly with us," he said. "This just goes to show that O'Reilly's really is the best place for authentic Irish atmosphere."
Taylor's friends were no less happy for their fallen compatriot.
"Man, this is something that Arnie really needed," said Adam DeLay, able to speak semi-coherently only because he was the group's designated driver. "He was really getting stressed out at work, his wife and kids were getting on his nerves -- this was really the perfect way for him to blow off some steam while celebrating some Irish heritage that he most likely had somewhere in his family."
"Arnie Taylor died for us," another friend who would only identify himself as "The Green Glantern" said, jabbing his finger in our reporter's face and then breaking down in tears. "He died for this country, pal. Don't you forget that."
Yet another friend, Barry Wilson, suggested that this would be the perfect opportunity for a series of comic mishaps with the deceased Taylor, in which people would erroneously believe him to still be living.
"We could just slap a pair of sunglasses on him and give him a shove every once in a while!" Wilson said excitedly as Taylor's body slid lifelessly off the stool on which it was propped, spilling the beer that had been jammed in between its fingers. "I'm sure that would be funny for at least two hours!"
Although he may be subjected to brainless comic relief post mortem, Taylor was considered "the brain" of his social circle in life, and had in fact been attempting to educate pub patrons on the history of St. Patrick's Day, a holiday celebrated primarily by those of Irish decent as well as those who have seen something green-colored at least once in their life, before succumbing to the effects of 42 beers.
"Even while he was drunk, that guy just couldn't relax!" laughed DeLay, taking a gulp of his whiskey. "He was all serious on me, trying to describe how St. Patrick spread booze throughout Ireland and eventually went on to invent Guinness and bar fights. If there was anybody who earned the right to celebrate St. Patrick's day to the extreme, it was definitely Arnie."
Several local frat boys also celebrated Taylor's life and death, although it was mostly his death.
"I LOVE THIS GUY!" shouted one, a young man who identified himself as "The Party", urinating on Taylor's body in what was presumably an act of intense admiration. "BARNEY FREDRICK IS A FREAKING!"
Taylor will eventually be shipped back to his house, where his family will put him to rest via a traditional 14 hour Catholic funeral service, an occasion that will "mostly be happy" according to wife Clara.
"He died a hero," she said simply. "He died happy."
"Someday I want to grow up to be like Daddy," said eight year-old son Timothy eagerly, causing Clara to ruffle his hair with a fond smile.
"We'll see, son," she said, opening a beer. "Now take this. It's still St. Patrick's Day, and I think you're old enough now."