Angelina Jolie Adopts Cruise's Baby
Following her trend of adopting disadvantaged children and hoping to achieve her goal of having over 70 adopted kids by 2010, actress and Bradgelina half Angelina Jolie announced today that she is adopting the baby of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, born just yesterday.
The baby, Suri, was born in Los Angeles, but has deep roots in Scientology-worshipping alien culture, putting its future at a serious disadvantage and thus making it a perfect candidate for Jolie's care.
"There was no way this baby was going to grow up in a normal life," Jolie said, busily making plans to build a jet within another larger jet to help ferry around her family. "Now, she'll have the chance to experience a culture where mysterious particles of dead alien bodies are not blamed for her illnesses and problems."
Cruise is not giving up Suri without a fight, however, and has already vowed to use his vast array of psychic powers to combat Jolie.
"I have OT5 powers," he said menacingly to Jolie in a statement. "Name the animal you fear most, and I will command it to attack you."
Cruise's wife Katie Holmes, who managed to birth the baby without screaming or the emergency intervention of Cruise's powers, agreed.
"He has OT5 powers," she echoed. "We have a baby. OT5 powers. Just say what the cards say, baby."
But Jolie has vowed that the baby will be hers "at any cost".
"You can't stop me," she snarled. "Eventually I'll own portions of every disadvantaged child on this godforsaken planet."
But can Jolie legally take someone else's child away against their will just because she believes the child will be happier with her? One man, George W. Bush, says it's a tricky area.
"I don't know about taking the kid away completely," he said, "but what she could do would be place secret surveillance on the Cruise household at all times to ensure the baby's well-being."
Bush then gushed about celebrities and their children for several more hours, saying with a chuckle, "What else are we going to talk about?"
Little Suri has been the subject of intense media scrutiny virtually since conception, as her parents' whirlwind romance -- which included Tom Cruise nearly killing Oprah Winfrey and Katie Holmes receiving an infusion of alien plasma -- has both fascinated and horrified the public at every step.
"Tom and Katie, did you see him on the couch," stated one woman when questioned as to her opinion of the couple. "HE WAS ON THE COUCH THAT TIME."
"I'm really not sure I can see any more of Tom's movies," said another. "Frankly, the religion he believes in makes it very difficult for me to watch him play a role in a movie. Him and Jewish people."
Besides, the woman added, Cruise doesn't even believe in psychiatry, something she finds "too ridiculous to think about".
"Tom should come talk to me sometime," she invited. "All of my beliefs are 100% correct and rock-solid."