Man Accepts Jesus Into His Heart, Has Heart Attack
Local man Jared Snyder made the decision this morning to "invite the Lord Christ Jesus into his heart" at his local church, thus enabling him to become a born-again Christian, something Snyder has reportedly been considering ever since September 11th.
But unbeknownst to Snyder, the invitation would result in a serious heart attack, landing him in the hospital in critical condition.
Reverend John Larson, leader of Snyder's church, said that the procedure "began normally".
"At the end of today's service, I asked if there was anyone in the church who had not yet accepted Jesus Christ into their heart and would like to do so, just like I do every Sunday," Larson explained. "I remember being pleased when I saw Jared coming up the aisle, as I know he has been considering coming over to Jesus' side ever since He attacked our country on September 11th to show us how evil we are."
Larson said the combination of scripture and self-written lines he always says when a member of the congregation desires to accept Jesus. But it was only until after the lines were said that "things began to go haywire".
"Jared began to smile as he felt the light of the Lord enter his soul," Larson said with a smile of his own that quickly turned to a troubled frown. "But after a few seconds, he began screaming that his chest felt like it was on fire, and that he couldn't feel his left arm."
Moments later, Snyder was on the church floor, leaving alarmed parishioners to call for paramedics.
But was the heart attack a mere coincidence? Larson's answer is an emphatic no.
"There are no coincidences," he said sternly. "Jesus is behind everything, including heart attacks."
Eyes narrowing, Larson added, "Especially heart attacks."
It is the Reverend's belief that Jesus' power was "too great" for Snyder's heart, and put the organ under tremendous stress.
"The power and light of our Lord and Savior is not something to be trifled with," he warned. "That's why only men like me, who have real ties to God because we went to school for it, should ever perform these types of ceremonies. But even so, sometimes Jesus is just too strong to be fully accepted all at once into a man's heart, and this is clearly the case with poor Jared."
Larson said that he would pray for Snyder, but is afraid an answer could set off another heart attack.
Surprisingly, doctors at the hospital Snyder was taken to seem to concur with Larson's theory, representing an unusual meeting of religion and science.
"Usually, people who ask Jesus to come into their heart do not actually have Jesus physically enter their heart," Dr. Stan Wu explained. "But every so often, the Lord will oblige, causing serious problems -- and in some cases, even death -- to those who asked. The bottom line is, the human heart just wasn't meant to contain Jesus within its delicate walls."
An embarrassed Jesus issued an apology from Heaven later today, saying He is "very sorry."
"I guess I don't know My own strength," He said with a sheepish grin. "I sure hope Mr. Snyder gets better soon."
"He better not say grace before he eats, though," Jesus added with a twinkle in his eye. "It might give him a brain tumor."