Radio Station Forgets To 'Bleep' Obscenity; Society Ends
Philadelphia-based radio station WTSP spurred what most are agreeing is the "end of civilized human society as we know it" when they neglected to "bleep" out an obscenity said by one of the station's jockeys, enabling millions of listeners to hear the foul word.
Jim "The Morning Man" Johnson, who is now widely known as the man who destroyed the world, told us tearfully that he "never meant for any of this to happen".
"I just forgot myself," he wept, ducking out of the way of a Molotov cocktail hurled through the window of our offices by one of the millions of rioters and looters on the streets below. "I was having an enthusiastic conversation with one of the other jockeys, and he said something surprising, and I said 'Holy shit' without riding the bleep button."
"If I could take it all back," he said passionately, "I would in a second!"
Unfortunately, the word could not be revoked, and thus began a chain reaction across the nation as listeners and non-listeners alike got word of what happened.
"It was the kids at first," said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld as he passed one of our reporters on the street with several recently-stolen assault rifles tucked under his arm. "That's all I remember, it was the kids at first. Now leave me to my immigrant hunting."
As Rumsfeld suggested, reports indicate that younger listeners, not used to hearing such vulgar, brash language, were quickly worked into a frenzy upon being exposed to the swear, and began taking guns and knives from their parents' homes with the intent to shoot up their respective schools. As parents stepped in to stop the violence, they were inevitably drawn in by the kids' repeating of the swear word.
"It was intoxicating," confessed New York woman Kathy Stewart, holding the heads of three of her co-workers under her arm. "I mean, I felt like, hey, they just used a slang word for excrement on the radio! I guess anything goes, now!"
"I said to my son, 'Jimmy! Put down my gun!'" recalled a Florida cook, using his teeth to absentmindedly tear a hunk of flesh from the lifeless body of one of his employees. "And he looked at me and said, 'No, Dad! Shit! Shit shit shit! They said it on the radio! Shit!' And then it dawned on me: yes. Shit."
"All these years of repression from hearing swear words on television and radio just broke out," said another woman from Iowa, blasting a group of fleeing citizens with a flamethrower. "There it was, out in the open. Shit. I knew then it was time to start killing people."
Some conservatives paused from their looting and pillaging to triumphantly say that they've "told us all along".
"We set up a censorship mechanism for swear words for a reason!" he shouted. "Now you all see why! Didn't Columbine teach you people anything?"
"Well, a lot of that was also Marilyn Manson and violent videogames," he added. "But still!"
Though American society is almost completely broken down, most of the rest of the world is relatively untouched by the ordeal, having never established laws against swear words on the radio in the first place, something Donald Rumsfeld calls "a deep error, and yet another reminder of inferior Old Europe."