Britney Spears Weds Plaster Wall In Surprise Ceremony
After sending out wedding invitations alleging that she was to marry dancer Kevin Federline, pop star Britney Spears surprised the world by secretly marrying a six-by-eight foot white plaster wall Saturday evening, according to sources close to the new couple.
"These two are in love, and now they are married," said James Cowly, a publicist for Spears. "Britney has actually been dating the plaster wall for quite some time now, but she wanted to make the press believe she was still interested in Kevin Federline for privacy reasons."
Cowly added that he was surprised some more intrepid members of the media had not "put the pieces together" much sooner.
"I mean, let's face it: Kevin Federline is a great guy, but he also just recently had kids with another woman, and he and Britney have only been romantically involved for a short time," he said. "A marriage would've just been an incredibly inappropriate step."
Spears also reportedly was intimidated by Federline's intellect and style.
"Kevin Federline, in dressing like a poor urban youth and speaking in primarily monosyllabic grunts, was just a little too much for Britney to handle," said one anonymous source. "She wanted someone a little more in touch with her level of existence, and that's about when she found the wall."
Spears and the plaster wall have reportedly been involved for over six months, and have now been married for about 24 hours -- one third of the way to beating Spears' previous 72 hour marriage to high school sweetheart Jason Alexander.
"I have high hopes that this marriage could actually last 73 hours or more," said the source. "Britney and the wall have had one fight so far, with the wall apparently accusing her of having no personality and not listening to him, and she responded by putting a hole in him. I think they've patched that up by now, though."
Spears contacted MTV recently with the idea to do a "Newlyweds" show featuring her and the wall, but the network passed on the idea.
"We already have one dumb blond bitch on the air," groused one executive. "We don't need another one."
However, other collaborations between Spears and the wall are in the works, including a new song called "You're Wall I Ever Needed".
"Basically, the video for this song is Britney humping the wall for three and a half minutes," said the director for the music video. "I admit we're sticking to familiar territory with that concept, but hey: if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
"I love you, wall, sex, wall, love, sexual sex, lesbian kissing sex," Spears sang in a preliminary video shoot for the song, gyrating against the wall as the director smiled and nodded. Suddenly, the wall shifted a bit, causing a few specks of plaster to rain down on Spears.
"Now you're spitting on me?" she shrieked. "I knew we never should've worked together!"