Britney Spears Pregnant With Loose Clumps Of Crude Genetic Material
After months of speculation fueled by her clearly being pregnant, pop star Britney Spears announced today via her website that she is, in fact, pregnant...not with a "child" per se, but rather with what doctors are calling "bits and pieces of primitive DNA and cells that could, in theory, one day become something vaguely resembling a human being".
"[Husband] Kevin [Federline] and I are excited to announce the meshing of both of our subpar genes to form something that is practically a fetus in my stomach," read a statement from Spears' publicist, who assumes the singer's identity in situations where reading or writing are required. "This is really the best we could've hoped for, and we're very excited."
Spears likely derived this assessment of the situation from her doctors, who initially told the couple that they would probably not be able to conceive "anything significant" due to "extreme human deficiencies".
"Well, Mr. Federline is actually made up of over 65% brick wall, with the remaining percentage of him split between aluminum siding from a trailer and water," explained one doctor. "He baffled us all when he tested a grade of 'Fruit' on a standard IQ test."
The doctor added that although Federline does have two children from a previous girlfriend, they were most likely created through the process of asexual budding, which the ex-girlfriend presumably knows how to do.
As for Spears, what reasonable genetic material she did possess has been "irreparably damaged" through the effects of repeatedly contorting her body to fit into two square centimeters of material, as well as heavy concealing makeup soaking into her blood stream, says the doctor.
"When you factor in all of these considerations and more -- such as the fact that no one of sane mind could possibly imagine Britney Spears and Kevin Federline taking care of children -- I would've said that Ms. Spears getting pregnant was the least likely event on Earth," he said. "But I guess I've been at least partially proven wrong."
The doctor then burst into tears.
Although Spears' official website made no mention of possible names for the genetic material, rumors have suggested she and her husband have been discussing the topic already, listing "Brittney", "Awesome", "Louisiana", "Third Time's A Charm", and "Rufus" as possible choices. Some of the possibilities don't readily betray what sex the child would be, although doctors say that likely won't be an issue.
"Imagine a talking jellyfish," was all one doctor would say. "I don't want to get anyone's hopes too high, but that's about the best possibility."
But will the child be victim of a par-for-the-course celebrity divorce? After all, Spears was already married at least once before, with some sources indicating that number could be as high as 48,000, and most reports indicate Federline left his girlfriend as soon as Spears said "You, get me my water bottle and I'll give you $35," to him. Spears' publicist, however, says such an eventuality is "practically impossible".
"What Britney and Kevin did was take 'Super For Real' marriage vows, which most couples forego," she explained. "These include powerful commitment words such as 'seriously, dude' and 'fucking', and are much more resilient than normal, boring marriage vows."
Whatever the outcome of the marriage and flotsam birth, one thing is certain: intense media coverage.
"Get that 'Britney Seen Eating Burger -- GOOD FOR BABY RUFUS?' graphic prepped!" snapped one editor at CNN. "We need to be first with that!"
"SHE'S DEAD!" shouted a reporter at Fox News, causing a flurry of activity. "SHE'S FLOATING IN OUTER SPACE!"