Americans Not Sure What They Are Celebrating, But It's Definitely Not Christmas Or Chanukah
As the holiday season approaches, Americans outside of the Judeo-Christian community, and specifically those who do not believe in God at large, prepare to unwittingly celebrate Christmas without actually celebrating Christmas. Though Christmas and Chanukah are still popular amongst some demographics, others continue to revel in the time of year and, in particular, the 25th of December for ostensibly no reason at all.
"I am offended by the suggestion that by my purchasing of these Christmas gifts that I'm celebrating Christmas," said atheist and parent of three Herbert Gutenstein. "You can look it up – this season has always been about something other than Christmas and Chanukah, and I'll be damned if I don't get to celebrate something, so long as it isn't Christmas."
Gutenstein then exited the Crate And Barrel from where he purchased a traditional Bavarian Christmas table piece for his family's X-mas (but not Christmas) party that night. After putting some change in the Salvation Army bucket outside the door, the bell-ringer told Gutenstein, "Ambiguous, non-theological blessings of the season to you, sir. Merry Not-Christmas."
In following centuries of non-Christmas tradition, Americans everywhere are donning red and green cardigan sweaters, and baking fruitcakes to bring to the houses of friends and neighbors on the 25th of December. Researchers say, however, that the same date has been found to be the same day of the year whereupon ancient cultures like Elizabethan Victorians and suburbanites of the Eisenhower administration celebrated the fabled "Christmas" holiday. These findings have surprised many.
"It's such a coincidence that the time of year we refer to as the 'Holidays', was once a time known as 'Christmas', which was also a form of 'holiday'," said History Channel host Josh Bernstein. "Of course, if you study the orthographic of the word 'holiday', you'll find that it stems from 'holy day', which is why, as a radical leftist atheist, I am deeply offended when someone wishes me a 'Happy Holiday'."
Lawyers from the ACLU have released statements similar to those of Bernstein and other like-minded revelers. While continuing to celebrate nothing in particular, civil rights attorneys have begun pushing for the outlawing of offensive terms like "holiday" and "X-mas", insisting that the "X" is a representation of the swastika and/or a "Jesus cross". So as to prevent any offensive tidings of comfort and joy, lawyers have filed lawsuits to ensure that all greetings exchanged during the month of December be limited to, "Hi, have a nice day."
"Ho, ho, ho… Merry Whatever Day This Is. Ho, ho, ho, Happy religious-connotation-free 25th of December," said guest of honor Santa Claus to an assembly of ACLU officials on the eve of the lawsuit.
"Racist!" someone shouted angrily.
Though Americans still struggle to understand exactly what it is they are celebrating, some believe they have found the answer. Non-religious observers of the holiday insist that they are celebrating discounted retail prices, cold weather, lack of parking, shitty traffic and TNT's 19-hour long "A Christmas Story" marathon.
"Buying a lot of crap is the reason for this wonderful season," said school nurse Marsha Dreyfus, "because if it's not, I would appreciate it if someone would tell me so I could go home and not have to put up with all this bullshit."
Dreyfus then strapped her three year-old son Luke into the front seat of her Hummer H2, and admonished him for crying in JC Penny's. "If there were a God he'd send you to hell, but be thankful that there's only a Santa Claus who'll do no worse than coal in your stocking," she told him.
Dreyfus then added, after spending half an hour maneuvering around the cars that were waiting for her vacated parking spot: "Sometimes I wish that I believed in God so that way I could take comfort in the fact that people like that asshole who just cut me off will spend eternity being roasted over hot coals, but I guess that's just where you've got to have faith, which I don't."