Christian Youth Leader Preaches 'Cool' Aspects Of Abstinence With 'Make Pizza, Not Love' Campaign
Mark Turney, a Great Falls, Georgia-based youth group leader and mentor, has begun leading a group of high schoolers in an exciting exercise to show teens that making pizza is "much more fun than having boring, stupid pre-marital sex" in what Turney hopes will eventually become an example for the entire nation to follow.
The four-week series entitled "Make Pizza, Not Love" will steer otherwise promiscuous teens towards a self-denying, abstinence-embracing lifestyle where thoughts of hot humping in Mom and Dad's bed while they go on vacation are replaced with delicious, hot pizza with the kind of crazy toppings that teenagers really want.
"The problem with most programs that teach abstinence these days is that they're not ‘hip'," stressed Turney. "What I'm trying to do is show teens that there are other fun things to do with their time than boning in the back seats of cars."
Turney, 29, who lives alone and admits to still wondering what feeling girls up is like, shared with reporters the fun that can be had when making pizza with a group.
"See, you've got to knead [the dough] just right or it will come out all gooey and – whoa – that's not good!" Turney said, laughing hysterically for an unknown reason. "Oh, cheese and rice!"
Still chuckling, he then discussed the goal of his series.
"At the end of the day when thoughts might drift to places that maybe they shouldn't, there is a piping hot pizza waiting to be taken out of the oven for teens to enjoy with their friends," he said, giving our reporter a thumbs-up. "Whoa, dudes! Gnarly! And isn't that better than an orgasm, which is so fleeting?"
The first week's lesson took place at 7:00 on Thursday night in the St. Bernadus gym and cafeteria. Turney had the twenty-odd adolescents sit in a circle around him and yell out "suggestions" as to the toppings that he should put on the pizza about to go into the oven, and the participants later expressed their gratitude towards Turney for showing them a safe alternative to safe sex.
"We just, like, all sat down and watched, you know, Mark start doing that thing with the crust, which was cool," said teenager Tim Duncan. "Then he had us start calling out ingredients and toppings and stuff. He made, like, five different pizzas and most of them sucked because people were being huge dumbasses and telling him to put shit like anchovies, mushrooms and onions just to be funny."
After pausing to contemplate which porn site to visit later in the evening, Duncan finished his thought: "Half the pizza was still there at the end of the night, but since I don't have a girlfriend and will probably never have to worry about sex pre- or post-marital, I might as well go next week. It beats the shit Mom makes me eat."
"Tits!" Duncan suddenly blurted out, immediately looking regretful. "Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ."
Other teens showed a similar level of enthusiasm, and expressed excitement over next week's installment of the series in which the teens will get to put the toppings on the pizzas themselves.
"That was cool, and I sure am glad that Mark gave me a way to stop thinking about my boyfriend's sausage by making a really good sausage pizza," said high school sophomore Lisa Raynd. "He gave a really good sermon while we were eating, and it really spoke to me. I can't wait to take some pizza home to my boyfriend and tell him that whenever we feel like sex we should just sit down and enjoy a good, hot pizza with lots of toppings instead."
"Eventually, years of pent-up sexual frustration and repression will give way, and I will end up sleeping with over 20 different men in my first week of college," explained freshman Teresa Haming. "But for now, it was nice to sit down with Mark, made some good old pizza, and pretend that these tactics will work."
The last week of the series will culminate with groups of teens each making their own pizza from scratch, and will end with Turney giving what he expects to be the definitive lesson about abstinence. Each night ends in a message that Turney gives while the teens eat the pizza they help make throughout the evening, which he claims is the real reason that his lessons are so popular.
"I mean, what teenager doesn't love pizza?" rhetorically asked the unlaid Turney. "But I really think that the real strength of ‘Make Pizza, Not Love' comes from kids being tired of seeing sex everywhere – on the TV, billboards, at school, everywhere. They need some kind of alternative to the constant barrage of images of hot girls in spaghetti bikinis and guys with wood-carved abs and great legs, and that's why I think they really come."
Turney expects even bigger turnouts in the weeks to come and has plans to follow up the ‘Pizza' series with another youth-oriented activity intended to help teens make friends called ‘Meeting People You Will Never Fuck.'"
