Country Music Rallies To U.S. Aid, Declares War On Things
Country music, often described by critics as "awful" and "hideously wrong," yesterday threw its unconditional support behind the United States by declaring war on "all enemies of Amurica [sic]."
The aid comes at a perfect time for the U.S. Army, which has failed to make its quotas for new recruits in recent months for some reason, even after offering a free iPod to anyone who enlists.
"When monetary incentives, the promise of being legally allowed to kill people, and even free music downloads don't work, Nashville is our only hope to lift recruitment numbers out of the hole," said Army recruiter Sgt. Richard Gill.
"Help me, Toby Tob Tob-Toby," he added, referring to country superstar Toby Keith by his nickname. "You're my only hope."
Fortunately for Gill and his cohorts, Keith is only too happy to oblige.
"The way I seen it," said Keith, who is often described as the "Michael Jackson or Wynona Rider" of country music, "you can either support the Muslims, or support the biggest country in the whole entire history of the world, Amurica [sic]."
He then put his boot in the ass of a naked, blindfolded detainee, who is serving an indefinite sentence for unspecified crimes at "that splendid little gulag," Guantanamo Bay Naval Station.
Even the Dixie Chicks, whose tiny careers were ruined when they admitted to being ashamed of President Bush’s proud Texan heritage in 2003, have stood in support of country music’s new war.
"Just so you know, we realized our mistake and love that President Bush is from Texas!" said all three of them at the same time, presumably. No one, however, cared.
The "new war," as it is called by its proponents, involves world-wide infiltration and infrastructure demolition of all terrorist cell networks, accomplished primarily through song.
"If there’s one thing I hate," said country music ultra-mega-superstar George Strait, "it's hippies who sit around and do nothing but sing about peace. Well goddamn it, we’re going to make some peace in this world by singing about kicking ass."
Indeed, with lyrics like Clint Black’s "I Raq and I Roll" ("You can wave your signs in protest against Amurica takin' stands/The stands Amurica's takin' are the reason that you can/ An' you can get out of the way/But our troops take out the garbage/For the good ol' USA") or Charlie Daniels' "Ain’t No Rag It’s a Flag" ("This ain't no rag it's a flag/And we don't wear it on our heads/And now we're coming with a gun/And we know you're gonna run/But you can't find no place to hide/We're gonna hunt you down like a mad dog hound"), the terrorists are getting worried.
"Ach, med," said Osama bin Laden in another exclusive interview with Time Magazine, which is better than the CIA at finding terrorists. "These country music infidels are hunting us down with their hideous music. Amuricans will pay!"
Bin Laden, whom some may remember from September 11th, 2001, subsequently declared holy war on country music. He was joined in his efforts by France and New England, whose white-bread liberal intellectuals can "take no more" of the typically southern harmonies.
Taking a break from the competition on dance floor, where some "serious flip-flopping was going down," former presidential candidate Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) explained: "Country music has been oppressing the downtrodden for years. If I were elected president, none of this would have happened. Ever."
He then added: "You all just got served."
But country stars and fighters say those like Kerry have their days numbered.
"The time will come," said country music ultra-mega-zord-god-superstar Garth Brooks, "when liberals and Muslims will be true Christians Amuricans."
Until that time, however," he added, "this is war."
A patriotic collaboration CD with country music’s top 20 mostly famous artists is due out by August. It is entitled "When You’ve Got the Red, White and Blue (Who Gives a **** About Ugly Ragheads)".