'Home Alone' Star Culkin Blames Drug Habit On Constantly-Vacationing, Neglectful Parents
Macaulay Culkin, the former child star who was arrested on Friday in Oklahoma City for possession of marijuana, Xanax, and clonazepam, released a statement today blaming the entire incident, as well as any other negative actions he may eventually pursue, on his "shamefully neglectful parents".
"I didn't want to become yet another person in our society who blames his own faults on his parents," Culkin said, "but when your parents are gallivanting off to Florida and somehow 'forgetting' that they left one of their own children in New York freaking City, it's really no surprise that that child would eventually grow up to be a drug user."
Culkin gained notoriety after his child acting days for his teenage marriage and estrangement with his father -- two things he also blames on his parents.
"They forgot me once on a Christmas vacation to France," he said. "I was a young boy, and I was left alone by myself at home, where I was nearly murdered by two robbers. How do these people expect me to act now?"
Culkin added that he is not blaming his parents for his current appearance, which he says comes from standing in front of the microwave for too long.
Popular pseudo-psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw spoke up on Culkin's behalf, explaining that children who have weak or dysfunctional families can often grow up to be troubled adults.
"What you really have to do is constantly smother your kids with oppressive, overbearing love," he said. "When they look around and all they see is love, and that mustard stain on your shirt because your first wife is a crazy bitch and can't even let you eat a decent meal in public, they won't want to turn to drugs!"
McGraw then excused himself to his family room, where one of his children was emerging from a trapdoor in the floor.
"Daddy, I saw two people holding hands on the TV," the child said. "What does that --"
"HOLY SHIT, GET DOWN!" McGraw shouted, stomping down on the trapdoor. "DON'T LOOK AT ANYTHING!"
However, McGraw isn't the only psychologist to corroborate Culkin's claims; Dr. Nancy Hartman of the University of California also agreed that a traumatic childhood can have disastrous consequences in adulthood.
"Often, children that appear fine are actually deeply disturbed, but they don't remember how much their parents hurt them until they commit some crime and have to answer for their own actions -- which, of course, they don't have to do, because their parents made them do it by being mean," she explained.
However, Culkin's parents claim that they were never neglectful, and that their son may be confusing parts he played in movies with real life.
"He does this all the time," Culkin's father growled. "We had to go through a five week period of him believing that Ted Danson was his actual father."
Nevertheless, authorities are looking into Culkin's statements.
"If these people really did lose their son in New York City by himself, especially with known criminals out for revenge on him...well, that's a serious thing," said one anonymous source from a child protection agency. "They could be retroactively arrested for criminal neglect."
Whatever the consequences for his parents, Culkin says he is looking forward to putting the event behind him.
"Luckily, I am still enough of a star and have enough money that this really shouldn't have any legal effect on me," he said. "If I was a normal average citizen, I could be in a real jam right now."