Creationists, Darwinists Compromise, Create New Shit Religion
As judges in Dover, PA and elsewhere prepare to decide whether or not intelligent-design proponents have weight in their claim that life on Earth was created by a giant man-like thing who lives in the sky, advocates of the rival theory -- stupid old evolution -- have decided to end the bickering, and call a truce. Supporters of I.D. agreed, resulting in a new religion that incorporates all the points of each side.
The new theology combines the Darwinist view that all life comes only from natural processes in an uncoordinated and random assemblage of chance and chaos, while also incorporating the possibility that there may be organization and order in complete shit.
"This is the logical conclusion of all the debates and conflicting view points," said Patrick Gillen, an attorney representing the families of the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania students who insist that discussions of Intelligent Design conflict with notions of the separation of church and state and are utterly idiotic. "This way, we can have and maintain a religion that not only proves that there is order to the universe, but that it is all ultimately mired in never ending piles of shit."
"This is really the best compromise we could've hoped for," said a local scientist, smiling wearily. "Now, we don't have to burn quite all of our papers and turn back our nation's scientific clock. All we have to do is accept a little shit."
The new religion, called Shitocracy, is an amalgamation of scientific theory and religious absolutism. "In Shit We Trust" goes the new motto, which has been met with a surprising majority of members from both sides of the intelligent design debate.
"It's really a religion that's always been there, but never legitimized until now," said mother Marsha Goldberg, whose children attend Harrisburg High, where they were previously taught that the earth was developed over billions of years, as opposed to providing for the possibility of it arising out of a gigantic, malleable pile of shit. "I realize now that all sides have validity in what they say, and though I believe whole-heartedly that there is organization and logic to all in the universe, even the most kosher meal I could ever consume ends up as little pieces of corn that I'd rather not talk about right now."
Shitocracy, while not being met with approval from the world's rabbinical influence or Pope Benedict XVI, is already awash in patron saints, dogmatic ritual and storied history. Though believers in the recently approved theology do not know exactly who to pray to, Saints Francis of Ass-isi and Thomas Aquin-ass have interceded and brought their powerful influence to the fore.
"There upon the throne of porcelain sits the god of Shit," said minister Watson Chiffon, leader of the West Commode, Arkansas chapter of Shitology, "and though we do not dare drink or eat of his shit, we offer our shit as sacrifice to the order of shit."
Most major religions and even minor ones have been incredibly warm to the idea of shit-worship, and some have even gone as far as to erect monuments in honor of shit. While small off-shoot groups of Catholics and Protestants have written a list specific grievances over the existing religious order known as the "95 Feces", followers of the ancient order of Druids are busy assembling Stonepinch, an 18"-tall replica of the famed Stonehenge of equally mysterious origins – namely the dung of its members.
"This religion is all about getting your shit together – you pile it up and create stone-henge, or shit-henge, or pinch-a-loaf henge… whatever," mumbled Igor McHenry, a new convert to Shiteocracy, carefully tending to his new monument in his front yard, one of many in his neighborhood. "What is so beautiful is that it's so stinking universal."
Even the Muslim community has embraced this new shit. Though it has not been met with approval from the extremist leaders of the Shiites or Sunni Arabs, many moderates have found it to be the perfect common ground for both sects and all Islamic sub-groups.
"Whereas we have been having conflicts between the Shiites and Sunnis, we now have a place where there is no Sunni or Shiite, but only Shit, and that is a solid foundation on which to build," said Sunni Sheik Mabu Tisaleaken.
Though rituals differ between locales, there are axioms on which the new church rests which all chapters and denominations observe. Fasting is not permitted, and bran muffins and raw eggs are taken every Sunday morning as the main sacrament. Though issues of homosexual priests in the new religion remain unresolved, insiders expect that the queer community will not only be admitted into the ranks of Shitologists, but will be its most holy members.
"This new theology is a big steaming pile of enlightenment," said Gary Gobbleson, gay clergy member of the Second Church of Latter Day Shittologists. "We'll get to buttsex as a sacrament one of these days, butt for now, we'll keep it behind closed doors."