Creationists Evolving At Alarming Speed
In a surprise announcement, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) announced today that it is announcing to the public that creationists are evolving, advising the United States and even the world at large to heed their announcement.
Signs of evolution have been present in creationists ever since they learned that they should call themselves "intelligent designists", but now there are signs that more changes are to come, with some having occurred already.
"Some have already developed prehensile tails," Dr. Julie Gerlichinghtz, medical director of the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, observed, "and they are mutating at an astonishingly rapid rate for such a backward species."
"Before long, they may even have opposable thumbs," she added fearfully.
Worse yet, Gerlichinghtz said, is the possibility of the dilution of the gene pool with inferior genes, a concern of proud humans with silly mustaches and feelings of superiority everywhere.
"If this evolutionary process continues we may expect their genes to reassort with genes from a normal human being, and then widespread human-to-human infection could occur," she said. "If this happens we could have a pandemic of human ignorance not seen since the Y2K scare. And we all know what a fiasco that was."
Scientists warn that if creationists continue to evolve, they will pose an even greater threat to society than past epidemics of ignorance. As inheritors of the "flat earth" and "fluoride poisoning" genes, this new strain could cause the loss of millions of hours of productive school board and classroom time by forcing educators and students to listen to their deadly attacks, scientifically known as "drivelous".
"I didn't come from no pond scum," said the Rev. Billy Bob Joe Harry Hickson, spokesperson for the rapidly evolving group, whose father was actually an advanced form of seaweed, much different than pond scum. "And don't go trying your evil-utionary preversions [sic] out on me."
Rev. Hickson, who believes that he came from a handful of dirt and his wife from a bloody rib, is insistent that there is no scientific proof of evolution.
"Just look at me," he boasted."I haven't learned a single new thing in years."
Among the groups most at risk of infection from this new plague are soccer moms and Rotarians. Not known for critical thinking on a good day, these groups share numerous common vectors of infection, most notably the SUV.