Gibson's 'Passion of Christ' Could Be Confused With Earlier, Pornographic Film, Cautions Jesus
"The Passion of the Christ", a new film by Mel Gibson examining the final 12 hours of Jesus Christ's life, is set to be released on February 25 amidst a flurry of controversy that Jews are unfairly portrayed as the main cause for Jesus' death.
But Christ Himself held a press conference yesterday at a small church in Nebraska to warn movie-goers that another film exists based on His life that may be viewed instead of Gibson's film by mistake.
"Mel Gibson's movie is only in theaters right now," Jesus emphasized, "so please don't look for it in video stores. You might see a different movie called, 'The Hot, Steaming Passions of the Christ' that may look similar, but is actually very, very different."
The earlier film, Jesus explained, is an "adult feature" that was produced decades ago.
"Look, back then, it was the 70s, and a lot of people were experimenting with different things, including sexuality," He said. "I guess it was only a matter of time before some religious person got to thinking about putting me in a porno. I didn't have anything to do with it, but I suppose I didn't really stop it, either. It had the potential to spread My messages of peace and love -- which were already pretty popular at the time -- to a whole new crowd of sex addicts and perverts."
The film was a moderate success on the underground, X-rated movie circuit, according to Jesus, and even helped to solidify a now-common expression frequently heard during physical romance.
"Sometimes, you'll hear a man or woman exclaim, 'Oh, Jesus!' during lovemaking," Christ explained. "Little do they know that that actually came from one of the scenes of 'The Hot, Steaming Passions' where my character -- played ably by a young Ron Jeremy -- was engaging in fornication with a female who had been stricken by his Holy Wang."
The scene is just one example of the movie's plot, which takes a more fictionalized view of Christ's life, as opposed to Gibson's film, which strives to be accurate.
"Mel Gibson's movie tries really hard to show the last 12 hours of my life on Earth as they really were, plus some Jew-bashing thrown in for good measure," Jesus said. "The other movie focuses on my journeys through the Holy Land as a 'Saviour of Sexuality', as I rescue women who are unsatisfied with their current husbands' sexual performance, which is poor due to them being unrepentant pagans."
Clearly, the two films are very different, which is why Jesus is striving to make sure film viewers are aware of which version they are watching.
"If you want to watch Mel Gibson's film and the movie you're viewing starts out with someone saying, 'Thou shalt not wear any clothes,' you're probably in the wrong place," Jesus said.
Other signs Christ advised to watch out for included the name of the theater, which should not contain more than one X; the Christ character in the film wearing a "crown of condoms", rather than thorns; and the ability of Jesus to fly while sporting semi-opaque sunglasses and an afro.
"My hair was styled as an afro only once, briefly, and it wasn't in the last 12 hours of my life," Jesus said of the last warning sign.
Of course, for those who are actually intending to see the "Steaming Passions" rather than Gibson's less-pornographic version, there's no concern.
"If you wanted to see the older movie in the first place, you probably already know where to go," Jesus said. "And if you're lost, just beat it out of the theater if things seem a little too serious in the movie, or if my character still has his clothes on after a minute or so."
As a bonus for those afraid of their immortal soul's fate, Jesus said He would not mind if individuals saw the more explicit film instead of Gibson's.
"With the one, you're getting a bunch of sex," He said, shrugging His shoulders, "and the other, in-your-face violence. So either way."
Gibson, however, did not agree on this point.
"I actually would like to correct Jesus here and say that people who view that disgusting pornography instead of my movie will be going to Hell," he said. "Come on, Jesus. I think I and the Catholic Church know just a little bit more about who goes to Hell than you."