Howard Stern Fined For Baring Breast On Air

Shock-jock and self-proclaimed "King of All Media" Howard Stern was banned from all Clear Channel stations, in addition to being fined, last week for reportedly having his jacket ripped off by a production staffer, revealing a brief on-air moment where his nipple was exposed.

The nipple was only exposed for a short time, and Stern continued the show without comment, but the mishap is proving to be a costly one for him.

"We are disgusted and outraged that Mr. Stern would choose to commit such an atrocious act over live radio," said Joseph Hetsky, a spokesman for Clear Channel. "As a result, he will be immediately banned from our stations, as well as fined nine hundred billion dollars for causing excessive damage to our listeners, which is not something he was instructed to do in the syndication contract we both signed."

Stern blamed the nipple exposure on a "wardrobe malfunction" in an official statement.

"And of course, I'm using 'malfunction' here to mean 'did it in the off chance that it will make a girl come to the studio to commit lewd acts', which I would then talk about," he said.

If the stunt would've gone as intended, says Clear Channel, there would've been "no problem".

"Talking about personal sexual matters -- that's one thing," Hetsky said. "But seeing or hearing breasts being just ripped out of their natural coverings -- by which I mean man-made clothing -- is a whole different ballgame, mister."

Already, many Americans are reacting with outrage to the event.

"My family was sitting there, listening to Howard Stern, when all of a sudden we heard a small scraping noise," said one man. "I knew right then that he had taken his breast out of his shirt, and we were hearing it live. I was sickened."

"I couldn't believe my ears," said a woman from Nevada. "I know the sound of a nipple being taken out of a shirt when I hear it, and there wasn't even an attempt to cover it up. It was so shameless!"

"This is almost as bad as that time that a caller called Howard and said the word 'nigger'," said another woman. "I couldn't believe Howard did that!"

"Is Howard Stern the one that did that scream when he was giving a speech at the Presidential thing?" said one Alabama man. "That was so funny, I thought I was going to pee my pants...and then I did!"

The man was then fined for $40 million for saying "pee" in a satirical newspaper, and was also banned from appearing on Clear Channel stations for the rest of his life.

In a move that surprised many given his prior views, conservative radio mogul Rush Limbaugh announced his support of Stern.

"Hell, I'll support him," Limbaugh said on his show. "We used to rail Vicodins together, so the least I can do is stand by his side now."

"I mean," Limbaugh added. "What."

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