Holy Father Leaves Unholy Mess In Bathroom
As Pope John Paul III continues to recover from his bout with respiratory illness, the Vatican reports that a mess described as "ungodly" and "horrific" was left in the sink of Gemelli Hospital where the pontiff is recovering.
"We are not sure if this is the work of Satan, or if the Holy Father is still combating the residual effects of the flu," said a Vatican spokesman. "Such a foul coagulation of ichor and waste this world has not seen nor smelt since Holy Communion was tainted with ecoli on Easter Sunday in 1994."
The Holy Father continues to regain strength and expects to be discharged later this week. Questions, however, have now been raised as to the possibility of demons having hijacked the Pope's 84-year old body.
"I don't know what's happening on the inside, but some chthonian stuff came out of his body, I can tell you," said an anonymous member of the hospital staff assigned to the Pope. "[It] wouldn't surprise me if [C.S. Lewis' fictitious devil] Wormwood was in there, pushing a few buttons."
Reports confirmed that the Pope on numerous occasions has left substances and odors in the men's room that the room itself had to be anointed with oils and incense when matches alone proved to be inadequate to exorcize what hospital staff are calling "olfactory demons".
"The Pope is strong, but in this age of abortions and women in the workplace, sometimes I feel as if the demons can be stronger," admitted another high-ranking Vatican official. "They certainly would have to be pretty strong to be able to produce the less-than-pious concoction that I cleaned off the bathroom mirror last night."
Concerned members of the Vatican have been monitoring the Pope to see if he exhibits any other signs of possession, including his head spinning around 360 degrees and crawling down stairs in a freaking crazy way. So far, however, none of these events have occurred.
"I did catch him claiming that this wine was actually the blood of someone who has been dead for over 2,000 years," said a Vatican official, "but then I remembered that that's just part of our religion."
The Vatican doesn't wish to overly alarm those concerned for the Pope, or draw undue attention to the outmoded practice of exorcism, which would run counter to the current philosophy of "modernizing" the Catholic religion. Consequently, papal spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls assured reporters that the Pope would be delivering a blessing on Sunday from his hospital room.
"Just remember that a blessing can come in many forms, including a tide of multicolored fluids," he cautioned.
