Jesus Indicted In Jackson Case For Supplying Alcoholic 'Jesus Juice' To Minors
Christian deity Jesus Christ was formally named by prosecutors in the Michael Jackson case as the primary supplier of various alcoholic beverages to both Jackson and children who stayed at his Neverland Ranch, according to reporters at a court hearing yesterday.
Jesus, who has both directly and indirectly been the subject of legal battles (and even entire wars) before, is accused of concocting "Jesus Juice" and "Jesus Blood", alcoholic beverages with kid-friendly names that He gave to Jackson, who presumably encouraged children who stayed with him to drink, telling them, "Jesus drinks it, so it must be good."
Jesus Himself angrily denounced the charges this morning at a press conference, calling them "baseless and absurd".
Above: An artist's rendering of the soda can that contained "Jesus Juice".
"Look, I am a bit of a homebrewer, and I do make a few wines of my own," He admitted. "But I would never knowingly give them to Michael Jackson, let alone give them to him while knowing he would give some to children."
Jesus, believed by many to be the son of God (the creator of all the universe according to Christian mythology), added that Jackson was not even created or sanctioned by His father, unlike most other beings.
"That man is just a freak, not a guy created in My Dad's own image," He scoffed. "He comes straight from Satan himself, I can guarantee you that."
When reached for comment, however, The Prince of Darkness said, "What, I'm getting blamed for Michael Jackson now? Jesus, I'm the Devil, not Osama bin Laden!"
However, sources close to Jackson insist that he used two of Jesus' beverages -- Jesus Blood and Jesus Juice -- to place children in compromised states in order to perform sexually deviant acts on them.
"They were pretty much red wine and white wine, respectively," the source said. "Michael liked to call them Jesus Blood and Jesus Juice for the kids, though."
Jackson tried to work Jesus' name into other aspects of the children's stay at his home as well, the source said, referring to his "Jesus Bed" and something called "Jesus Touching".
Jesus' possible involvement in these other matters is still being looked into, but prosecutors say they are "certain" that at the very least, Christ the savior was involved in some degree with the beverages.
"We've tracked this in Jesus before," claimed one prosecutor. "There are apparently thousands of churches that drink Jesus' 'blood' every week. There have also been hundreds of priests named in molesting children. Coincidence? I don't think so."
But Jesus also attempted to debase these allegations.
"That's not even My blood they're drinking, for Christ's sake!" He shouted. "That's absurd! What's next, claiming that the bread they eat is actually My flesh?"
Christ also said that even if His blood was somehow consumed by human beings, they would not become intoxicated from it.
"My blood usually doesn't have nearly a high enough blood-alcohol level to intoxicate even a child," He said. "The exception to this is this Sunday, when I plan to get pretty hammered during the game. Go Patriots!"
Prosecutors said that despite what Jesus has to say, they are planning to continue the process of indicting Him, stopping only if He plans to smite them in some way.
