Jackson Cites 'Child Molesting' As Chief Reason For Court Tardiness
As his defense attorneys winced and put their heads in their hands behind him, former pop star Michael Jackson, when asked today why he was over an hour late for court this morning in his trial for child molestation, announced that he had gotten sidetracked "molesting all kinds of kids".
"Playing around with your special, magical friends sometimes makes you lose track of time!" he exclaimed, drawing invisible rainbows in the air with his fingers. "And by that, I mean I had some kids over and I forgot to look at the clock."
"Uh, and Michael, wouldn't you say that the kids mostly played videogames by themselves, and then left without even coming into contact with you?" defense lawyer Thomas Mesereau Jr. piped up hopefully, preemptively nodding his head.
"Oh, no!" Jackson replied. "In fact, that TV didn't get much use, because we were so busy --"
"Making drawings, that's wonderful!" Mesereau cut in, laughing nervously and pulling Jackson away from the press conference. "All kinds of nice drawings, well that's just dynamite, Michael. You're some kind of hero, I'd say."
Santa Barbara Superior Court Judge Rodney S. Melville seemed both angry and frustrated with Jackson's lateness, commenting on it after Jackson finally did arrive, walking a bit unsteadily and nursing a bottle of Jesus Juice.
"God damnit, Michael," Melville said exasperatedly. "Are you trying to appear as unreliable, and irresponsible, and...just freaking weird, as humanly possible? Because I'd say right now you're doing a pretty god damned good job."
"That's silly," Jackson replied, his nose slowly sliding down his chalk-white, alien-like face. "Silly-billy-willy-nilly!"
"Jesus!" Melville shouted, smacking his fist on his desk. "That's exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about!"
Later, Melville calmed down, and advised the jury not to make judgments on Jackson's guilt or innocence due to his lateness. Most seemed as if they would follow that advice.
"I'm most likely going to give my judgment based on the general molestation issue," said one juror, who spoke to us despite the fact that it is tremendously illegal to do so. "What I mean is, I don't think the fact that he was late is going to factor in nearly as much as hearing all of the damning evidence against him."
"If I'm going to have a bias, it won't be because of lateness -- heck, everyone's late for something!" another juror said. "No, my bias will more concern my general fear and repulsion towards Michael's frankly bizarre behavior."
Despite any factors currently stacked against him, Jackson had his usual throng of die-hard supporters to greet him when he finally did arrive today, and they showed no sign of wavering in their unconditional support.
"Being late is okay, Mike!" shouted one fan. "I was late once, but it just turned out to be a beautiful baby!"
"MICHAEL, ME LOVE YOUR MUSIC SO THEREFORE ME LOVE YOU," said another, drooling profusely and smacking his head against a brick for some reason. "ME JACKSON, MICHAEL THRILLER."
Jackson, for his part, promised to be on time for subsequent court dates.
"And I'm working on building a car powered on the love of children to help make that happen!" he added triumphantly.