Jesus Takes Away Man's Sin, Man Asks For It Back
Jesus Christ, the human embodiment of the Almighty Lord and head of the world's most widespread religion, Christianity, has been asked to return the sins of formerly repentant sinner Steve Malloy back to him. He, Christ, is being charged with having taken all of Malloy's sin away back in 2002 when Steven Malloy only casually asked God that he "be forgiven".
"Sure, I asked Christ to ‘take away my sin', or something like that," admitted Malloy, "but all I really wanted was to feel better about sleeping with some skank I met at the bar the night before. I really didn't want to live a righteous and pious life for all the rest of my days, but now it looks like I'm stuck with it."
Malloy says he now desires to return to a life involving casual sex, drunkenness and other forms of licentiousness and prodigality, and remains regretful that he gave it all away for redemption of his eternal soul.
"Redemption sounds nice in theory and all, but what it means in reality is sitting at home on Friday nights and playing Monopoly with your nephew because your friends are all out getting hammered and laid," he said. "And I just really feel like I've been made a fool out of, here."
The fact that he may have greatly improved his chances of living in an eternal paradise after he dies, Malloy added, is "neither here nor there."
Christ maintains that neither the sins of one man nor of the world are refundable, and that if Malloy knew that he would want to return to philandering and womanizing that he should have kept his repentance to himself in the first place.
"Do you know how hard it is to grant the damn repentance in the first place?" Christ asked angrily. "Well...pretty easy, actually. But still!"
Although Christ Himself does not seem interested in returning the sins, some of his most trusted servants actually disagree with Him, believing Malloy deserves the freedom to wallow in his own crapulence.
"If it were in my power, I would return his sins to him in full and with interest," said Father Christiansen of St. Alphonsious church, who served as courier to God on High in atonement for Malloy's fallibility. "I hate to see a man so tortured by his own redemption, but I gave all of his sin and indulgence away [to God], and I've got no clue where He keeps that stuff."
Malloy, since being relieved of his unworthiness, has been in talks with negotiators and intermediaries in an attempt to get at least a portion of his sinful nature back. Though not corresponding directly with Satan, otherwise known as Lucifer or The Dark One, Malloy claims to be on a steady diet of David Lynch movies.
"I can't afford to sell my soul to the devil," lamented the forgiven Malloy. "I just want it back in my own hands. I've been sticking close to my friends who, for the price of the first round or two, are more than willing to temporarily ease the burden of salvation. I guess that the cleansing of my sins will forever be my cross to bear."
Though God Himself could not be reached directly for comment, representatives from the Moody Bible Institute released a statement on His behalf.
"We regret any confusion that may have occurred in the purification of Malloy from his impiousness and immorality," the statement reads. "It is the official position of the Church and of the deity on which it rests that absolving of sins cannot be reneged for a few 'quickies'. Mr. Malloy's request to return to sinful nature will require a full-out fall from grace, in which case his immortal soul will be handed over to the Dark One, and that's worse than church."